Ever wished that you could spend more time with your Kids, hang out with your friends, spend more time (and money) at the Mall, have a couple of nutty Cats and a loyal Husband that you can only describe as the perfect knight in shining armor?
Well, you’re in luck because today’s the day those “wishes” finally start coming true for you. And this time around, you won’t need to worry about leaving any glass slippers behind.
Where did I go wrong?
Now, there’re a couple of reasons why your fairytale didn’t come true the first “few times” around. For starters, you had been playing the game of life with the “wrong deck of cards” (whoops). Secondly, the “Terms and Conditions” that you had initially scribbled down (when you were just 6 years old) was about 555 pages too long.
The “wrong deck of cards” story is nothing new. Most folks (Men, Marmosets, Women, and Wombats) all walk into every relationship with their “I got this” game faces on. And then start slamming out a few of their “supposed Aces”. They feel like they’re ready to take on Serena Williams blindfolded in the very next game.
And after several intense rounds of running, hopping and moonwalking, they’re convinced that they’re already halfway there to victory.
Even their friends feel that their opponent is getting their ass handed to them on a silver platter. But when they stop for a quick “Ferrero Rocher break” and look over at the scorecard, it tells a different story altogether. In fact, all they see next to their name is a bunch of zeros.
They thought they were doing everything right. They thought they were winning. But the scorecard, the referee, the opponent, the opponent’s fans, friends, family and pets all thought otherwise.
What the &%*#… How? What? Where? When? And Why?
This all dates back to the very first full moon day of our lives, when we had only been around on this Planet for only a handful of days.
We’re reasonably happy with the accommodation and the TV Show lineup. But we can’t figure out why we’re are stuck wearing this cheap little synthetic piece of clothing called a “diaper”, when all the grownups are walking around fully clothed and looking snazzy. And what’s the deal with the 24/7 Milk diet? Did they just run out of food or something?
And whilst we’re busy zigzagging around our tiny little brains with all these unanswered questions, a faint and faraway howl turns our attention towards the Window. It’s the full moon in all its glory. Then in an almost lightning like instance, we come to a profound realization: there are questions that need to be answered if we’re to make our stay here (on Planet Earth) worthwhile. But we also realize that these answers would have to be found without the help of the Internet because our little cookie dough fingers can’t seem to manage more than 2 words per minute on the keyboard.
So we default down to the second best option, which is to start annoying the heck out of our Parents looking for answers. We know “the truth is out there” and we’re determined to uncover it (even if Mulder and Scully are too busy doing other stuff). Obviously, at this stage, we don’t realize that our Parents (and everyone around them) are almost as clueless as we are. So we “absorb” whatever they tell us (like sponges) and record all of our observations into our “behavioral databanks” for future reference. That means the way our Parents played their game of life (including much of their skills, spills, and shrills) all automatically become our own (for the most part).
The remainder we pick up from external influences such as Friends, Relatives, Celebrities, Politicians and Television.
In essence, we have walked straight into the same trap that our Parents and our friends fell into, known as the trap of “crummy information”.
So does that mean we’re doomed to go through the same 201 breakups, 12 divorces, 502 no follow-up first dates, 4.5 heart attacks, 200Lbs of excess weight and 2103 cooking disasters as our Parents did?
Well, if you’re a Lemur or a Wallaby, then yes, you’re pretty much screwed, because Lemurs, Wallabies (and even Reindeers) spend half their days getting high and spend the remainder of their time…in recovery.
But if you’re a (clean and sober) Human being, then you have a choice. You can “break away” from all that bad programming by instilling a set of new habit patterns to override/replace the existing ones, much like painting over a humongous building, one room at a time. Yes, our minds can be repainted, reprogrammed, rearranged, redecorated and refurnished from top to bottom even after our 115th birthday.
Sure. The process can take a while- because we can’t just scrub off all the bad information, opinions and criticism that had been poured into our brains since birth in a day or two, even if we used all the baking soda we could find in the house.
But even if the “transformation” took you 5 years (or even 10 years), wouldn’t it feel fabulous to be free of all the “gunk” that held you back (and burnt a ton of croutons) for so many years?
Wouldn’t it feel good to look in the mirror and see an even more beautiful, happier and shinier version of you looking back at you?
Wouldn’t it feel good to walk into a crowded room and feel like you’re instantly the most “dazzling” person there?
Now, if that sounds even “remotely” appealing to you, then here’s the “mind repainting” process that makes it all possible:
1. Identify all the negative habit patterns that have been causing you so much pain, disappointment and indigestion issues –
For starters, what are you like when you’re under pressure and when things aren’t going your way? Would you wanna be around yourself when you’re in a bad mood? Or would you run for cover instead?
It might also be helpful to keep a Dictaphone with you, just so that you can record yourself in action throughout the day and replay those conversations to yourself (in private) at a later time. Think of this process as a self-diagnosis. If you know what needs to be fixed, you won’t have to try everything in the Medicine cabinet, before finding something that actually works.
Another thing that you can do to identify these “mind bugs” is to read through several “well-reviewed” self-help books. Most people get hit by flurries of aha and yeehaw moments within minutes of reading a good self-help book. It’s much like having a sneezing fit but at a psychological level.
2. Once all/most of the baddies have been identified, list them in a Book or a Journal – But avoid jotting them down on a napkin, a tissue or on your palm as that may only be good enough until your next Coffee break.
3. Write out one or more “corrective behaviors” against each negative habit to help tickle them out of your system.
– Feel free to refer to those “self-help insights” from earlier to help you with this process
4. Renumber the list according to their level of “disastrousness”– For instance, if a habit pattern is likely to send either yourself or someone else into an instant Coma, it should probably get the highest priority possible, whilst a habit pattern with less traumatizing side effects should get a lesser priority.
5. Put a circle around the one habit that’s currently “costing” you the most – Maybe you have a tendency to hit the gas whenever you hear a Police siren (even though you haven’t committed a single crime since stealing some of your Grandma’s freshly baked cookies years ago).
Or maybe you have a habit of adopting every kitten that you come across that looks remotely hungry, depressed or lost. So, whatever it is for you, identify it and vow to kick it out for good (kick out the habit I mean…not any kittens you may/may not have “acquired”).
6. Write a proven “corrective behavior” to decimate this Godzilla sized negative habit, at the top of your next Month’s calendar page. – If you don’t have a page-per-month Calendar (which is essential to the process), this would be the part where you go and buy one.
7. Weave that “replacement habit” into your “daily routine” and repeat it every single day for the entirety of that month (without any breaks) –
Also, mark off each day’s succession with a red X or a smiley face sticker on your Calendar (as the process wouldn’t be effective otherwise). If there’s a break in the chain, you’ll have to carry that action item over to the following month and start again.
Why? Because it takes at least 28-30 consecutive days to instill a habit (be it good or bad) into your psyche. And a break in the chain would reset the process and bring you back down to ground zero, much like what happens to a space shuttle that runs out of “inspiration” in midair.
8. Take it one step at a time – Once you’re done weaving in your first corrective behavior, grab the second one and repeat the same process the following month. Then continue weaving in the remaining corrective behaviors at a pace of one per month, until you have gotten rid of all the “crazy hamsters” that had been causing havoc in your relationships, health, finances, spirituality, and state of mind.
By the way, if at any point you feel you can juggle more than one hamster at a time, then feel free to up the ante a little. But if it starts to overwhelm you or start making your hair frizzy, then dial it back down a notch.
9. Adopt the “Kaizen Fusion” approach to growing slowly – If you wanna run a marathon or get into the best shape of your life, you don’t just switch everything you eat and drink to wholesome and unprocessed foods overnight and start running 2-3 practice marathons a day.
Instead, you would use an approach that not only allows you to enjoy the process but one that prevents your legs and brain from melting down into a puddle of Ice Cream. And you make that possible by chunking down your “growth plan” into several chewable and succulent chunks.
For instance, you would first replace one of your regular meals (permanently) with something like a scrumptious smoothie or a salad. Then over the coming weeks, you would “slowly and gradually” replace the remainder of your meals with smoothies, salads, fruits, nuts and water…but at a very sneaky and almost unnoticeable pace.
At the same time, you would start doing a 10-minute “Turtle-paced” walk around the block every day. And over the coming weeks, you would increase the intensity and duration of these regular walks in 5-10 minute increments every week, until you can easily manage a slow 30-minute walk, followed by a faster 30-minute walk, followed by a solid powerwalk and so forth. And finally, when your legs start power walking by themselves (before you even wake up), you throw them something a little more fun and intense to indulge in like P90X3 (which is what I’m doing right now).
When these two Kaizen elements (fitness and diet) start working side by side harmoniously (and stop disagreeing over everything), they start generating the “fusion” that ultimately leads to the desired result.
But never commit to eating the whole Elephant in one sitting (even when you have the appetite for it), because it could be very bad news… for both you…and the Elephant.
10. Shake off your old associations or start wearing a helmet when you’re around them – If you give up smoking and then continue to hang out with friends who had been smoking away happily for years (with wrinkles, thinned hair, stomach ulcers, yellow nails, insomnia and a few missing/rotted teeth to show for it), they can hypnotically pull you straight back to the dark side without even meaning to.
Likewise, if you decide to spend the weekend at your Parent’s (just after saying your goodbyes to processed foods, red meats, daytime naps, moodiness and organized crime) they (your Parents) can flip all of your efforts on its head with just one home baked apple pie.
Now, that’s not to say you should break up with your friends and family, and migrate to some newly discovered planet somewhere (possibly with free Wi-Fi and cable TV). But it does mean that you have to limit your associations (to about 2 minutes per month per person) to keep the toxicity to an absolute minimum.
It also means that you have to be super vigilant about even the little time you spend around folks who hadn’t grown much (intellectually) since their 6th birthday. Old habits are like Raccoons that lie patiently outside the fortress of our minds, waiting for the teensiest opportunity to sneak back in.
This “10 step strategy” can be used to reinvent any area of your life allowing you to enjoy happier relationships, better health, improved fitness, limitless energy, more moolah, more “real” friends, more youthfulness and considerably less brain pollution. It can even be used to tap into the limitless supernatural reservoir that we all have access to (regardless of the faith or the lack of it).
So, now that we have a “method”, let’s dive into the “madness”…
Romance back in the Cave Ages
So, now that we have a “strategy” let’s spend a little time getting to know “the enemy”. In this case, that would be to understand this strange and bewildering creature (who has about the same fashion sense as a Zebra) called a Man.
Why can’t they go a single conversation without saying something dumb?
Why do they dress the same clothes and eat the same foods nearly every day?
Why do they have a hard time remembering birthdays or even recalling what their Partners were wearing on a memorable date just days ago?
Why do they never notice all the effort their Ladies make every day to brighten their days?
Why are they generally so ill-mannered and disgusting?
Why are they so needy and desperate?
Why do their vocal chords hibernate for a good part of the year?
Why do they never listen?
Why do they have a hard time committing to a relationship?
Why are they so inconsiderate, insensitive and unthoughtful much of the time?
Why don’t they do what they’re supposed to when they’re supposed to do them?
Why do they never talk about their feelings?
Why are they so “one track minded”?
And why do many of them make a run for it, as soon as they hear the words “I’m pregnant”?
To answer all this (and a whole lot more), we have to jump into our trusty (and partially rusty) DeLorean and take a little trip back in time.
When I say a little trip, I mean about 10,000 years back in time, when ginormous beards, poufy hair, overgrown toenails and rabbit fur jogging shoes were considered the slickest fashion statements in town.
This was an era where the law favored fury individuals with the most menacing growls. And a time where the closest thing to TV was watching a couple of Bears slap each other over a plate of peanut butter and honey sandwiches.
But it was also an era where the very survival of the Human race depended on each of us performing our “biologically engineered roles” (as both Men and Women), to the best of our abilities. Anything less usually meant one less chair (and plate) at the Dinner table.
So, for a Man that would be hopping out of bed at the crack of dawn, warming up for the day with a series of yawns and grunts, grabbing the “shopping slab” that his Wife had lovingly etched out for him. And then venturing fearlessly into the wilderness to bring home the Tofu, the Salads, the Fruits and the non-cute animal that (hopefully) nobody’s going to miss.
And whilst the Hubby is out there getting his ass tattooed by every menacing predator in Town, the Lady would start off the day with a nice cup of Americano (or Latte), put on some fine music and then start sprinkling their cozy 3-bedroom cave with magic, elegance, and grace. Following that, she would tend to that all-important task of molding and prepare the Human race for the next generation (which most folks mundanely refer to as “taking care of the kids”). And as a result of the undivided attention and the unconditional love these Superstar Kids receive, at the end of the day they would have learned a whole heap of good manners, acquired a decent amount of linguistic skills and even know how to speak five new languages fluently.
Then as dusk sets in, this “reasonably” happy Lady pulls out her first aid box and waits for her hubby to come home with all his ligaments intact (hopefully). And, when he finally does show (looking like something the Cat dragged in), she resuscitates him right back to life with an invigorating kiss.
And then gets to work bandaging up everything with a bite mark or claw mark on it (which is pretty much everything aside from his eyes and lips). After that, she presents him with a warm bowl of minestrone soup and allows him to recuperate in his little “solitary corner” for the rest of the Evening.
And later when she’s finally ready to retire for the day for some well-earned sleep, he shows up with a big grin on his face and his special “Doctor’s Bag” to get started on his “night shift”.
The “Did you say something” syndrome
One of the biggest mysteries that Women have been trying to solve for eons is why they all get subjected to that dreaded “silent treatment” at some point or another.
Almost every Woman goes through the episode of their once happy, joyful and talkative Boyfriends, switching off and going into some kind of strange hibernation (often times for the remainder of their lives). Everything below the neck seems to be functional (or at least semi-functional). And their jaws seem to be working during meal times. But nothing much can be heard through their vocal chords other than the occasional hiccup, burp, growl, sneeze or giggle.
Well…this is due to a “condition” that I like to refer to as the “Did you say something syndrome”. It’s a condition inherent to all Men. And it’s a result of a Man’s speech part of the brain called the Broca area being…asleep most of the time. Ironically the Broca area also happens to be the most active part of a Woman’s brain.
In essence, Men are like Cellphones with a limited talk time but with very good standby times. This should give you some insight into why the Queen’s Guards and most other watchdog and security type job positions are predominately filled by Men. Can you imagine how a “typical” Woman would feel if she were to stand around wearing a neon billboard that says “bite me”? And have absolutely no one to talk to all day?
This also draws a parallel with prehistoric times where Men were able to go out into the Wilderness, get all their shopping done “quietly” (except when they’re actually killing something or are being killed by something) and then come back home with most of their teeth intact. They were able to do this day in and day out for decades because aside from the look of appreciation they receive from their Wives at the end of a hard day’s work (which made everything alright…alright…alright), they also secretly looked forward to the “not talking for hours” part very much.
In fact, it might be surprising for you to hear that there are very few things out there that make a “typical Man” happier than a moment of “pin drop silence”. Isn’t it any wonder some “dude” came up with the saying “Silence is Golden”?
Life has changed a ton since then. Women no longer “need” a Man to keep them safe from Werewolves with excess back hair, Zombies with minimal IQs and Vampires that are far less appealing than the ones we see on TV. They could just as easily call the Police, the Ghost Busters, their Friendly Neighborhood Hitman or perhaps their “wanna Boyfriends” to deal with all that.
Women also didn’t need a Man to sleep with one eye open at night anymore to be on the lookout for intruders, snakes, hamsters or spider crabs, as many modern security alarms not only kept the intruders away, but they also informed the Police and all of the homeowner’s relatives of potential break-ins. Interestingly enough, most Burglars prefer the Electric chair over having to deal with somebody’s pissed off relatives.
And Women definitely didn’t need a Man to provide for them anymore, as there were plenty of jobs going around that didn’t entail ruining their hairstyles and makeup or involve breaking an arm, a leg or worse…a nail.
In essence, a Man’s Market value had gone down significantly from what it used to be since the beginning of time. He was no longer her Superman. In fact, he had now become her…Supper-man (that showed up just for “Supper”, but didn’t do much otherwise).
Worse still a Woman’s grading criteria for a Man had also undergone a series of radical revisions.
He was no longer “primarily” measured by his masculinity because the most kickass dude of the bunch (who works at Wendy’s) no longer qualified as the best “provider” or even the best “protector”. The whiny nerd from high school could now own the Town, have his own security firm, have a whole bunch of luxury cars, helicopters and gondolas to take him to wherever and whenever and was thus considered a much better catch.
But here’s the kicker…most Men never got the memo.
So as far as they’re concerned, nothing much has changed since their Koala wrestling days. Men go to their 9-5 jobs, shift jobs or Businesses, come home, toss their shoes, socks, ties, toe rings and whatever else on anything that’s “reasonably dry”. Then they go for a quick shower. And when they notice their tummies rumbling, they run over to the Kitchen to say “Hi” to their Delightful Ladies.
Then after a brief 35-second conversation to ascertain where or not there’s anything that “needs fixing”, they go straight to their “recharging cradles” (aka the Sofa) and spend the remainder of that Evening checking off their regular TV show lineup.
So why does he still run to his “recharging cradle” just as he used to back in the stone ages?
Well…even though most occupations nowadays don’t entail getting bitten, clawed, spray painted and chewed by various Carnivores, they still feel almost as drained due to the extra “conversation” they now have to partake in.
Also, they’re pretty darn convinced that the time and effort they put into their jobs/businesses directly translates to them going above and beyond in fulfilling their “provide and protect” duties. And that it earns them a free “relax and chill” pass for the remainder of the day. If that’s not bad enough, a Man’s also dumb enough to assume that his Lady is also in her “recharge mode” or is enjoying a moment of “blissful silence”. So why go and ruin her “state of bliss” by striking up a conversation?
Therefore, according to his “cyborg programming” the only item left on his checklist would be attend to those delightful “south of the border” duties at night, which also happen to be his weird way of showing her just how much he cares about her, how accepting and appreciative he is of her and just how sorry he is for everything he had fallen short on.
This non-verbal communication is basically his definition of “spending time together”. It’s his baffling way of “expressing emotions”.
In fact, Most Men still measure the “quality” of their relationships primarily based on how “accepting”, “appreciative” and “loving” they are of one another during these “non-verbal conversations”.
More insight into how Cellphones (aka Men) process Emotions
A side by side comparison between how a Man processes emotions alongside how a Woman processes emotions would be much like comparing a cell phone antenna with an HDTV antenna.
An HDTV Antenna can pick up Hundreds or even thousands of different TV stations, and numerous radio stations simultaneously without any hiccups whereas a slightly primitive (and partially hairy) cell phone can only pick up only 3 types or ranges of signals (that align with his ability to provide, protect and procreate). That means everything outside of that scope he would be utterly clueless about. In fact, his Radar wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow for most of them.
This should give you some idea as to why most Men tend to skim over (or fall asleep during) anything that’s detail oriented such as flower arrangements, romance, conversation, musicals, operas, fashion, style, grooming, knitting, crocheting, wedding preparations, special occasions, indoor and outdoor décor, cooking, recipes, makeup, jewelry, thoughtful presents and cards. And also have a ridiculously hard time remembering names, faces, special dates and birthdays (including their own). But for Women, all of the above is as easy as wiggling their noses.
Sure. Men can cultivate a passion for all this over time or through what they had been exposed to growing up. But for most “macho guys” this stuff is almost as torturous as being tied up in a room full of 3-year-olds, who have a profound affinity to tug at their mustaches.
In essence whilst Women are busy enjoying life in full, vivid and bright colors (and all in High Definition) Men are still pretty much stuck living it up in black and white.
Men were designed that way because their “contract” (with the CEO of the Universe) dictate that they must protect and provide for the people they care about the most (especially their Ladies and their little Kiddies) even at the expense of their lives. And that they must procreate like “Bunnies gone wild” (with their one and only) for the preservation of the human race.
Why? Because there’s always the possibility of him running into a highly caffeinated Rhino at the next highway interchange and ending up…dead.
Interestingly enough, a Man’s primary emotions don’t just dictate his decisions and behaviors. They pretty much dictate everything he does, says, thinks or feels.
Now, whilst that may sound like a huge disadvantage, it’s also his ability to filter out these extra “toppings” that makes him a good provider, protector and procreator.
For instance, let’s say a Big Bad Wolf (wearing a red hood) shows up at your Doorstep and strikes up a conversation with you about some Vegan Pizza diet that he’s trying out. But really his intentions are to have you for Dinner as soon you let him into the house. In fact, he’s even got all the seasoning tucked away neatly in his back pocket for this.
But your Hubby or “the Hubby wannabe dude” interprets this picture very differently. He doesn’t spend any time trying to analyze whether you’re talking to one of those “socially reformed” Wolves or a Wolf that’s been listening to a whole bunch of Tony Robbins and Les Brown CDs. For him, a Big Bad Wolf is just Big Bad News. And a Big Bad Wolf wearing a red hood is even Bigger Bad News.
So without a second of hesitation he’ll pounce on that f%$@*# Wolf like a Kitten on a ball of yarn and introduce that sucker to every single star in the galaxy, before ultimately making him “magically disappear”.
Likewise, he’ll not think twice about putting his life on the line to cross the River, fight off a bunch of Alligators and Frogs and bring you those fresh pastries you wanted for Breakfast. Obviously, he won’t bother doing any of that if there was something already in the fridge or there was a store nearby.
That’s not just because he’s “biologically” obliged to operate like that. It’s because nothing makes him happier than to take care of the people he loves the most, in a way that makes sense to him. But he might not be too thrilled about the 18 stitches he had to acquire in the process.
Another notable feature in a Man’s “3-Pronged Emotions Spectrum” is the depth/intensity of his emotions. Compared to Women who have a few dozen fairies handling, organizing and processing their emotions around the clock, Men just have 3 Dwarfs handling theirs.
Sure. The 3 little Dwarfs assigned to each Man are exceptionally tough, efficient, hardworking, have good hair and are strong enough to juggle a couple of baby elephants. But it does mean that there’s a cap on their “handling capacity” at any given time (which is one of the reasons why Men aren’t able to multitask). So, instead of keeping things stored away in their filing cabinets (i.e. their brains), they’ll either do something about it or just “forget about it”. If they allow things to pile up without either resolving them or discarding them, their heads can bloat up to the point of them looking like huge watermelons.
Also given that every emotion that shows up on a Man’s radar gets assigned to one of these dwarfs, their miniature size desks tend to get pretty heavy, pretty quickly. But these heavier/deeper emotions aren’t necessarily a bad thing for Men because they push them into taking the most effective (and sometimes the stupidest) route to get results. In fact, when the stakes are high, Men tend to skim over all the “cute” options and go straight for their Superhero or Supervillain outfits.
For instance, if someone was threatening their Wife or Kids, they’ll most likely snap a few bones first before verbalizing their feelings. And if things get real ugly, they’ll even go as far as trading their lives to save the lives of those they care about (just like in the Movies). If that’s still not good enough, they’ll do the unthinkable and trade in all their baseball cards for the safe return of their loved ones.
On the flipside, Deep emotions (of the “negative kind”) can be like anchors tied to their ankles out in the deep blue sea, that land them right next to the Crib of the Kingpin of the Undersea World: The Giant Spider Crab.
In other words, Men are about as good at handling negative emotions as Walruses are at playing roulette. Negative emotions make them cringe, twitch, itch and even make them come up with dreadful dance moves.
But, if the “negative situation” required them to put on their Superman/Batman capes and save the day in some way, they’ll embrace it with open arms. Otherwise, they’ll go above and beyond to flush those worries down the toilet, dump them onto their neighbor’s lawn or slip them into their Dog’s food. And if none of that works, they’ll turn to TV, video games, food, cigarettes, alcohol and a whole heap of experimental drugs or spices in an effort to erase that memory from their minds. That’s why a Man will very happily “forget about” the Leopard that messed up his new Suit, the Boss that threw him out the Window, the ex-Wife that ran away with the Milkman or the Burglar that stole his limited edition Bella Doll etc. If on the other hand, it was socially acceptable (and legal) to settle scores in “medieval style” (perhaps with a large bottleful of fire ants), it might be a whole other story.
This “sweeping things under the carpet” behavior can in many ways be equated to a Canine covering up his poop, after ceremoniously bidding farewell to whatever his body rejected from the day before.
So, the next time you see him having another “solitary moment”, you can just say to yourself “oh, he’s having another ‘Canine’ moment” and leave him be.
And, whenever there is something he can’t jury “bury” and something that’s in need of a resolution or closure, he’ll talk about it on his own accord. He’ll also talk about it if he’s convinced that you can somehow improve his situation, sympathize with his situation or “support” the blockheaded actions that led him to that situation (even though they should rightfully earn him the “Idiot of the year” award). Otherwise, it can be like opening up a healing wound and poking at it with a toothpick.
But if you’re still worried, or you want to play a bigger role in the “healing process”, then just go over to him and sit by his side (without saying anything or snickering). Then grab hold of his hand, lean on his shoulder (or let him lean on yours if he prefers that). And then stay there with him until he eventually gets the urge to pee (or falls asleep).
By the way, if what he’s dealing with has something to do with you, this is the part where he’ll either bite you or start growling.
Whilst this approach to dealing with problems makes sense to a Man, it doesn’t pan out too well for him when he uses the same approach in the reverse on his Lady.
It can, in fact, get him sentenced to the Doghouse for a millennium or two. Or, earn him a few dozen lethal injections (filled with centipedes, peppermint, and cayenne pepper) on the grounds of being a “bad listener” or for being “totally useless”.
Men are programmed to listen or look just long enough to make an “assessment” of a situation. Then they try to “fix things” and make things right (ideally without killing anyone in the process). So, the minute their Wife/Girlfriend or Partner tells them about a problem or a concern, they’ll tune in just long enough to make a proper “diagnosis” of the situation (from a Man’s perspective). Then, they’ll put on their Paramedic Uniforms and their Cowboy Boots and present a solution or a series of solutions in an effort to make things right.
In their minds, their Lady is “bleeding out”. And if they don’t stop the bleeding, come up a solution to heal the wounds and then kick the asses of whoever/whatever is causing the problem, then they will have failed as Men. And later when the dust settles, they’ll even go in front of the mirror and let out a “gentle roar” as a way of patting themselves on the back for a job well done.
Being a good provider, protector, and procreator (in his own King Kong way) and being acknowledged and appreciated for it pretty much means everything to him. In fact, the minute a Man feels that he’s not doing a good enough job or feels like he’s no longer “the Man” in the relationship, he’ll either dash out the nearest fire escape or grab a couple of bottles of Vodka and go on a very long deep sea expedition (without any diving gear). And as you can expect with option B, he does run into some breathing difficulties shortly thereafter.
This psychology is behind the reasoning of a majority of Men that “voluntarily give up breathing” every year. In fact, the Female suicide rate, when compared to the Male suicide rate, is anywhere from 1 in 3 to 1 in 6 (depending on the Country). That’s because Women generally only contemplate suicide when there’s nothing on TV. But most Men who aren’t happy in their “relationships” and with their “finances” are already halfway there.
Cellphones (i.e. Men) are wired differently to the point that in order for them to survive and thrive they need to be plugged into some kind of “external” power source. And when they’re disconnected from that power source for any period of time, their “ringtones” start sounding funny and they start beeping all kinds of “low battery” warnings…before ultimately choking and dying.
But the good news is this process is entirely reversible. All you have to do is to introduce them to a “high TLC” and “low criticism” emotions diet. And in no time at all, they’ll be yapping away again like happy Chihuahuas.
TLC for your big bad “household appliance” (i.e. your Man)
Vacuum cleaners don’t run on Bagels and Coffee. They need to be plugged into a wall socket and powered up with the right voltage, the right amperage, the right adapter and the right attitude for them to be of any use around the house. And you would also need to the follow the instructions that came with the appliance to prevent it from spontaneously bursting into flames.
A Cellphone, a Cyborg or a Hot-tempered Toaster (depending on the “type of Man” you grabbed off the Store shelf) isn’t all that different. You can bedazzle it, decorate it, personalize it, dress it up with a screen protector, a case, and a cute little phone charm. And you can then load it up with your favorite ringtones, screensavers, and apps. But ultimately it’ll only be in a position to serve you as it was intended to when you plug that sucker into a wall socket and zap it with a little bit of “power”.
But it has to be the right kind of “power” though. Otherwise, we could be looking at a sequel to “Frankenstein”. Or worse, you could be stuck with a cell phone that sits in your handbag yawning all day.
And once you get the “electricity flowing” it’s in your best interest to keep him plugged in and charged to the max. That way you wouldn’t ever have to worry about it (or him) looking around for any other “power outlet”. Sure. He can survive for days without any hiccups on standby mode. Then again, on Standby mode he’s really not much smarter or useful than a regular plush toy.
So, here’s a list of “fuel types” and “charging methods” that help your Man feel supercharged, rejuvenated, invigorated and totally “addicted” to you. They’ll also prevent him from short-circuiting during extreme weather conditions. And from seeking out other “powerhouses” to fulfill his “energy” requirements.
1. Poof up his “reasons” portfolio – Whilst most Women have rubber butts that allow them to spring right back up whenever they hit rock bottom, Men are pretty much like concrete blocks with soft down pillows tied to their butts.
So, as soon as a Man hits rock bottom, his memory bank will start sniffing around for “reasons” to press on. And if the reasons he sniffs out are strong enough, he’ll be brave enough to call a Crane Company to haul him out.
Otherwise, he’ll pack himself a few extra sandwiches and head out for a much longer stay at “Hotel Horrendous”.
Now, the foundation level of a Man’s “reasons pyramid” are always occupied by his Soulmate and Children. And if he hasn’t gotten to that stage yet (or if he’s still in preschool), it’ll probably be occupied by some of his closest family members or the Squirrels he hangs out with a majority of the time.
Just as with any Skyscraper, it is the depth of the foundation that determines the height of the building. So, if his foundation is shaky, moody or jittery, then his “reasons platform” wouldn’t be any stronger than a Giant Cookie that could come crumbling down at any time, with devastating deliciousness.
Self-preservation really isn’t as strong of a motivation for Men as most believe it to be (unless he was incentivized with an endless supply of free pizzas and milkshakes…maybe).
2. Throw a little “positive reinforcement” into his OJ – Men are suckers for positive reinforcement. So, if you ever want a Man to do something or not do something, then try seasoning your request with a spoonful of positive reinforcement and make it appealing to his masculinity or virtues.
For instance, if you want him to wear a pair of Pink Leather Pants for Dinner, it might be worth mentioning how stunning he’ll look in it and how it makes his muscles and eyes pop. Now, that might not be enough to change his whole wardrobe to pink. But at least it’ll prompt him to give your request some serious thought.
By the way, this only works if you don’t giggle or burst out laughing while you’re “buttering him up” with the positive reinforcement. Also, use this “power” sparingly and let it come from a place of love and sincerity, as there’s nothing a Man hates more than to feel like having a remote control pointed to his butt.
3. Season his soul with a few “compliments” – Most Men are compliment starved to the point that their ears actually start shrinking at some point.
Therein lies the main reason behind why many Men have such a hard time paying compliments to others (particularly to their Ladies).
In fact, if compliments could be bought over the counter in the form of a Supplement, nearly every Guy would be walking around with all 15 of their jacket pockets filled with the stuff.
And we aren’t just talking about your Average Joes here either. This “compliment malnourishment” affects all Men alike (whether they are short, tall, thin, broad, normal, abnormal, famous or despicably infamous).
In fact, many really handsome Men out there go their whole lives without ever being complimented for their looks, virtues or physique. That’s true of many Celebrities, Superstars, and male Models too. Sure. If they go out with a devoted fan, there’s a good chance that they’ll get soaked and marinated with compliments. But most Famous People generally overlook the Crazy Fans who’ve their names tattooed on their butt cheeks.
Therefore, if you pay just about any Man a “sincere compliment” about his looks, virtues, skills or strengths (regardless of who he is), then chances are he’ll remember you for the rest if his life (even though Men generally have a memory span that’s about the length of a breadstick when it comes to people and places).
Obviously, if he’s already with someone, gay, clueless or has misplaced his balls after his last round of Golf, he’ll painstakingly put on a poker face and move on. But, at all other times, this is an almost a guaranteed home run.
4. Slap him with some serious “Appreciation and Admiration” every chance you get – Men generally work very hard at not being “totally useless” Boyfriends or Husbands in their own “less enlightened” ways. And what they expect in return above all else is a little bit of appreciation, admiration, and acceptance. This in many ways is his definition of “being loved”.
One of the easiest ways of wrapping all of these into one wholesome sandwich is to get into the habit of expressing how proud you’re of him of every little “positive effort” that he makes in any area if his life (even if they turn out to be one disaster after another). That might not give him all the “mental nutrition” that he needs for the whole day. But it’s definitely better than total starvation.
So, take a few minutes out of your busy schedule to let him know how proud you’re of him for being such a great Husband/Boyfriend or Partner (even if it’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told anyone), for always being there for you when you needed him (even though it’s only until he finishes breakfast every morning), for always choosing his family over his friends (even though he only does this when the Weather’s really bad outside), for putting out the trash without having to be told (even though he doesn’t smell as nice afterwards), for making an appearance at the 400 meter dash at the Olympics (even though he came in last in the very first round) etc.
Be proud of him for “just making the effort” because that’s the stuff that gives him the strength and encouragement to persevere, endure and eventually hit the headlines (hopeful for something legal and ethical).
You really do have the power to help him fly higher than an Eagle (and be the wind beneath his wings) or keep him glued to the floor right where he’s standing.
5. Motivation and Inspiration – Men usually only have just 2 items on their agenda. They would be you and the Kids.
And if you don’t have any Kids, they’ll most likely be you and the TV. That’s true even after they get down on one knee to…tie their shoelaces, propose, get married, go on a fabulous honeymoon and then… turn into complete Zombies.
Most Men turn into Zombies following just after their honeymoons because that’s usually around the time when their list of responsibilities (as Husbands and as future Fathers) hit them like a ton of bricks.
And as soon as that happens, they decide that playtime (i.e. the courtship period of their relationship) is over. And that it is now time for them to put on their big boy pants and serious faces and start building the life that the two of you had talked from the very beginning.
In fact, a Real Man considers this to be his absolute duty, even if you owned half the Galaxy and 90% of the Interplanetary Giraffe population. And what he expects from you (more than anything) is to “genuinely” have faith in his efforts. And to be his cheerleader for the entirely of the game, even if he’s the scrawniest guy in the field.
FYI: This game of “pursuing a bigger parking space” can last anywhere from a few years to a few decades (depending on how good his “plan” is). But if he’s not “entirely” dumb and he has enough determination in his eyes to light a candle on fire just by staring at it, then you can be rest assured that it’ll be well worth the wait.
6. Neediness (in light doses)– Men have a Velcro mentality when it comes to relationships and loyalty. That’s why they naturally prefer Dogs and Miniature Dinosaurs over Cats and Fire Breathing Dragons. They love to be “needed”, obviously not to the point where they feel like they’re continuously being hugged by an enormous Python.
It is this feeling of being wanted and needed, that lets them know that they’re important and valued. But, the message he should receive is “I need you because I care about you” and not “I need you to keep the Rhinos away while I take a nap”.
And contrary to popular belief, a Real Man isn’t looking for a “totally” independent woman. He wants her to be independent to the point that he feels assured that she’s not looking for a wallet with legs. Beyond that nothing would make him happier than to be her sole provider and protector (and her procreator when “duty calls”).
7. Stand by your Man – Would you ever want a Man to choose his friends, parents, siblings, associates, pets or a new flavor of Pringles over you? And would you be totally thrilled at the prospect of being badmouthed to your face or behind your back at any time? Well, neither does he.
He wants to feel that wherever he goes and whatever he does, you’ll always have the brightest fire in your heart glowing in his name (metaphorically speaking). And he wants to know that you’ll always have his back (unless you have to fight off a drunk Raccoon or something).
Likewise, he also prefers to keep the details of his private life away from the “public media” as much as possible. That’s because Men are about as sensitive about their privacy as Cats are about their tails.
8. Keep the faith – When most Women mumble the words “For better or for worse”, they actually mean “For better or for half the other person’s stuff if things don’t work out”. But that’s rarely the case with most Men. They’re about as serious about their commitment as a gambler is to…gambling. That’s also why guys usually take anywhere between 2 to 200 years to propose.
Therefore, they’re shocked to see their Ladies hailing a taxi the second they have a flat tire or find a fly in their soup.
The reality is despite our best efforts; life does throw the occasional banana peel our way to see what we’re made of.
If we’re made of the right stuff, we’ll not only come out the other side without any banana stains, but we’ll also come up higher.
So, if you’re ever faced with a Storm (in your finances, life, romance, fashion decisions or whatever) and you were “once” certain that you married “the right guy”, then you can bet your Cat’s pretty whiskers that he’s not gonna just hop on the next train out of Town and disappear.
Instead, he’s gonna jump on his miniature donkey, strap you to his back and take you through the storm…to a much brighter, safer and happier place (with a bigger garden).
So, have faith in your Man even when he appears to be acting dumber than all your Pets combined. And have faith that there is also a “higher power” looking out for you around the clock (regardless of which “Religious club membership” you hold). And that “higher power” will intervene (usually in the last minute) if things get too hot to handle for either of you.
We’ll show you how to access your “supernatural bank account” and benefit from with all its extravagant perks a little later on. But for now, take to heart that if you generally “play nice” with life (and it’s many participants), life will “eventually” pay you back… with tons of interest.
9. Be forgiving – Most Men are about as clueless about relationships as Koalas are about Calculus. In fact, if a Man doesn’t do or say something stupid at least a few times every week, then he’s either gone through years of “Relationship rehab” or he just doesn’t have a pulse anymore.
The silver lining to this is that whenever a Man does say or do something spectacularly stupid, he’ll be the first in line to identify it and beat the Haagen-Dazs out of himself for it. So, maybe there’s no point beating him up for a second time round. Besides, he might not be conscious enough to remember the second beating.
But if the offense becomes repetitive and it starts to bug you to the point that it makes your eyebrows curl, then let him know about it lovingly (but bluntly). More so, let him know just how much it “hurts you” (without a physical demonstration). And, if he “genuinely” does love you, he’ll do his “best” to put a stop to it or at the very least he’ll try and control it. But if he doesn’t or if the behavior worsens, then you can gently hand him over to your Cats to enforce some serious “behavior correction therapy”.
By the way, forgiveness doesn’t extend to cheating, physical abuse or eating the very last piece of cheesecake from the fridge.
10. Patience –When a Man gets married he feels like he’s walking around with a ginormous Rucksack of responsibilities. That means he’s got a to-do list of “high priorities” stuck to his forehead at any given time, which (strangely enough) might not line up with any of your “priorities”.
So, if you want him to do something outside of “his list”, always ask lovingly. And then explain just how “important” it is for you. If you don’t manage to convince him of its importance or he doesn’t see you choking to death without it, his mind will unintentionally nudge your request to the wastepaper basket.
But once you do get the message across (perhaps with the aid of a rolling pin or frying pan) then let him get around to it in his own time.
11. Playfulness – We all have a little Kid locked away inside of us that’s full of life, playfulness and laughter. We decided to lock up that “inner child” away years ago when we flopped our first job interview, went through our first breakup, screwed up our first ever recipe or chipped our very first nail.
We saw that “playful girl” as a hindrance. And so. we replaced her with a more serious and grouchy personality and started greeting people with a frown and a yawn.
But in truth that “playful girl” has the power to flip your Man’s World upside down (in a good way), because she has the ability to ignite his core emotions to provide, protect and procreate in a whole new light. It also allows him to feel more comfortable around you (and a lot less frightened).
So why not let the Kitten out of the bag and let Cupid take care of the rest?
12. Happiness – A Man’s primary mission in life (aside from trying out every donut shop in Town) is to keep his Lady happy.
And since he doesn’t have the innate ability to read Body Language (as a Woman does), he relies on the more obvious cues such as a smile, a giggle or a snort to let him know when she’s happy. Likewise, when she gives him with a live grenade for his birthday present, he correctly interprets that as a sign of “unhappiness” or “discontent”.
In essence, there’s nothing more attractive to a Man than a Woman with a blindingly bright smile. A smile lets him know instantly that you’re enjoying his company. And that there’s nowhere else you would rather be. Also, a smile doesn’t just compliment or enhance your appearance. It multiplies it manifold.
By the way, if you’re concerned about the brightness of your smile affecting his eyesight (and concentration), it might be worth asking him to show up wearing sunglasses in advance.
13. Tame the blame, judgment, and criticism – There’re very few people in the World who can stay totally unnerved and unmoved, after being hit by one thunderstorm of blame, judgment, and criticism after another. And they’re all usually dead.
These 3 ingredients are so toxic that they can knock the living daylights out of just about anyone or anything that has even a “hint” of life in it, including plants, flowers, squirrels and zombies.
14. Total Acceptance/Unconditional Love– Women accept Men unconditionally, just as long as they meet all of their conditions. But for a Man that’s like being sentenced to live out his days tied to a gavel block, which (as you can guess) isn’t exactly be his version of a “happily ever after”.
Sure. It’s important to have a list of 3-6 mandatory requirements upfront to prescreen and filter out the Serial Killers, Cat Collectors, Puppy Haters, Bank Robbers, Drug Lords to just about anyone that you feel isn’t an ideal lifetime companion.
And to then use the first few interrogation sessions…I mean…the first few dates… to determine if they’re who they claim to be (ideally without showing up with a portable lie detector kit).
But after that, accept them for who they are warts, horns, dimples, eyebrows and all. And avoid giving into the temptation of plucking out any feathers that you deem as “unnecessary” at all costs, even when they’re asleep.
Just as it’s important for him to feel accepted at a personal and social level, it’s also important for him to feel accepted at an “extra personal” level. Without going into too much detail, let’s just say that he doesn’t particularly like the feeling of being used up and spit out. This is the main reason why most guys like to get their “Do you A or B” question out of the way within their first few dates.
Relationship Expert Chris Rock (in his “Kill the Messenger” Tour/DVD) describes his first ever experience of “total acceptance” as what gave him the ability to read Arabic and break down the Da Vinci Code in an instant.
15. Set him free – Men value freedom almost as much as Cops like donuts. And given the choice between being enslaved for life (to someone or something) and dying, Men always choose the latter (provided there isn’t a third, less painful option).
If you’ve ever watched the movie Braveheart, you might recall William Wallace’s memorable (and influential) quote: “They may take our Lattes, but they’ll never take our freedom”.
In a less lethal environment, this translates to him not having to answer to anyone or feeling like he’s on a leash at any given time.
16. Authority – Just about anything with any kind of circuitry requires a source of “power” to get it working. That’s true of Cellphones, Cyborgs, Dishwashers, Washing Machines, Electronic Puppies, Men to whatever else you keep around your house.
So let him “feel” like he’s running the show. Let him feel like he’s wearing the biggest and brightest pants on the movie set (of your life). And let him feel like the hotshot occupying the Director’s chair because ultimately the real power lies with you (i.e. the Producer who’s the “silent authority” that makes the wheels turn).
Besides, by nurturing, feeding and encouraging his masculinity, what you’re really doing is allowing him to open up his heart to you even more. As Dr. Ellen Kreidman puts it “A Man falls in love for the way he feels about himself when he’s with her”.
17. Pump up his masculinity – A Man will only act the part when he’s constantly encouraged to be one, in terms of how he’s treated and through what’s being fed into his mind (and body) constantly.
So, by encouraging him to work out regularly and eat clean (by doing the same yourself), you ensure that his testosterone levels never drop below his waistline. And that he won’t at any time be tempted to start wearing high heels, lipstick or a padded bra.
In terms of feeding the “mind”, Men need to either keep themselves active in a physically challenging environment or at the very least inject a little masculinity into their veins by watching a few regular TV shows or movies, that entail a whole barrage of good old fashioned “ass kicking”. They can also be sporting events (that consist of plenty of injuries and pain).
By the way, the strange benefits that come from watching these “partially insane” programs, would be greatly enhanced when he has the company (which can either be yourself or his friends).
On the flipside, if he continues to watch soap operas and emotion filled dramas that leave him feeling like someone stole his candy, then the first thing he’s likely to do in a “genuinely” life threatening situation is…break down and cry.
18. Put him in the “spotlight” –Men love stealing the spotlight for “saving the day” or for “brightening someone else’s day”. That’s why they’re are such suckers for Superheroes and Heroes of all kinds.
Even those who have “temporarily” given up (due to heavy doses of processed foods and Television), also believe that they have a Superman buzzing around in their bonnets…just waiting to emerge.
But the one person a Man really wants to be a “personal superhero” to is his Soulmate.
Sure. He might not be able to zap out cobwebs and flowers from his wrist like Spiderman or lift up a Passenger Aircraft with his little pinky like Superman, but he feels that his “everyday contribution” should somehow give him enough credibility to be regarded as his Lady’s very own Kickass Superhero.
So, put him in the spotlight whenever you get the chance (without handcuffs), brag about him to your friends, family, and pets, take a while to talk about some of his favorite (and extra boring topics) such as Sports, Politics, and Work. And choke through yet another one of his “brag” stories.
People who go out of their way to brag about themselves are generally starving for “approval” and “praise”. So by you taking the time to listen, acknowledge and appreciate his “heroics”, you’re pretty much letting him know that you do indeed care about him and see him as your (itsy bitsy) Hero.
FYI: There’s absolutely no way you can lose your Man to anyone for bragging about him or for showing him off, provided you constantly pump his brain with the “right stuff”.
In fact, it’ll only make him fall in love with you more, just like you wouldn’t dream of leaving a Man who meets ALL of your needs, takes every bullet that comes your way and is constantly looking for ways to make you happy.
19. Focus on the good stuff – Too many people screw up their relationships by focusing on the negatives.
The good, the sexy, the bad and the ugly is there in all of us. But as with everything new…whether it’s a new pair of Shoes, a Man or a Dress, we only notice the good at the very beginning.
And after the “initial spark” has fizzled out, we team up with Sherlock and Watson and start inspecting for imperfections. Then after several days of continually staring at those imperfects (without ever noticing the beauty that we fell in love with) we decide to trade him up with a “supposedly” better, shinier model (with dreamier hair and whiter teeth) and continue repeating the cycle well into our 90s.
This is not much different to staring at the butt and muck of a champion Racehorse, instead of admiring his magnificence and strength. And then shooting it for having an “ugly butt” or for not “cleaning up after himself”. And yet, the only thing that changed (since the first time you met him) was the “camera angle”.
So, by feeding the plants (instead of the weeds), you too can have a relationship that you can rejoice for the rest of your days. And you might even save a Horse or two in the process.
20. “Silent” nurturing – The most powerful force in the Universe is the nurturing and caring energy of a Woman. It’s pretty much the “silent motivation” behind nearly every invention since the beginning of time (aside from Sports and Bubblegum). In fact, any real Man would equate this to being the closest thing to Oxygen or the blood running in their veins.
To put it another way, if Men were left to their own devices eons ago, we would still be living in Caves, wearing clothes that look like tablecloths and be spending much of our time plugged into PlayStations whilst munching through one bag of Doritos after another.
And all it takes for you to tap into this limitless reservoir of nurturing energy is to just be the sweet, adorable, caring and nurturing soul that you were created to be.
Now, if you had forgotten who that is (for whatever reason), then take a while to see the World through the innocent eyes of an 8-year-old girl, who isn’t tainted by any of the confusion and misinformation that “we” had been subjected to over the years. Particularly pay attention to the kind of activities that fill up her playtime. And compare and contrast them to those of a boy her age.
At the core…these are the values Men and Women still appreciate in one another…years down the line. This is excluding the “good hygiene” and “good manners” part, that most Boys only develop after they turn 30.
And, once you take the time to tap into that primal “nurturing” energy, you’ll pretty much have a Man who’ll go weak in his knees at the very sight of you.
21. Virtues –Most Ladies have given into the notion that Men qualify Women based on their looks and physique. And whilst that holds true for “Boys”, Men choose their “lifetime companions” based on their virtues.
In fact, Women have bestowed the title “Angels” based primarily on the virtues they had demonstrated since the beginning of civilization. You could go as far as saying that Women were responsible for paving the path to civilization through traits that were once exclusive to them, such as good mannerism, grooming, diplomacy, politeness, consideration, compassion, compromise, elegance, high standards, good cuisine and… crocheting.
Whilst Men were busy settling their differences with fists and guns and drugging themselves to oblivion with cigarettes, alcohol and all kinds of powdery substances (including Baking Soda), Women were intelligent enough to knock some sense into them using nothing more than a few kind words (and the occasional frying pan).
In fact, it is these two contrasts (of idiocy on the Man’s part and sensibility on the Woman’s part) that once held relationships together.
And even though many Women are now trying hard to partake and compete in all the “self-destructive stupidity” brought to existence by Men, they’re still “generally” seen as Angels, based solely on their appearance.
Yes, Men do judge books by their covers. They normally assume that a pretty face instantly translates to being beautiful on the inside too (at least until the sunshine melts away all the makeup and exposes their true colors).
And when they do, real Men (the ones with both balls firmly attached) bailout within weeks. The wannabes (who have misplaced one of their balls) hang on until they get dumped or until they find their second ball and then call it quits. And the Boys won’t care either way because they are just in it for the “ride”.
22. Get physical (whilst keeping those “firecrackers” locked away for now) –
Since birth, many of us had been deprived of one of the freest and most effective healing powers in existence that can cure or prevent anxiety, worry, depression, insecurity and possibly even indigestion. And that’s none other than the power of non-sexual touch.
In fact, if a semi-evil Tyrant took over the World tomorrow and forced every Human being to hug their Spouses and Children at least once every day (with each hug lasting no less than a minute), violence, rape, teenage pregnancies, prejudices, drugs, suicides, parking tickets and adult diapers would be a thing of the past.
And even though you might not have the ability to heal someone with a single touch (as Erin Calder does in the 2015 TV Series “The Messengers”), you can still inflict some “serious healing” to just about any living being that you touch (with the exception of a few Pets who seem be in a permanent state of “total coolness”). More so than any person, this has a tremendous effect on your (potential)life partner, who may have been “hug deprived” from birth due to all the drooling and sneezing.
Non-sexual touch is also a great way to establish a lasting chemistry between just about any (sane) Romantic Couple. But, keep it casual and semi-public at the beginning, as Men generally operate on just two settings, much like an Electronic Device or Appliance.
So, one minute they could be switched off and snoring away. And then before you could even blink your eyes, they’ll be revving away at 100 miles per hour. And once they hit that Hundred, no amount of tranquilizer and laughing gas can keep them down.
Now, whilst that might not sound like such a bad thing, in the long run, it can pretty much make the difference between a 90-day relationship and one that lasts 90 years (unless of course, he drops dead before that).
So, why do they do that? Why can’t they stay within the “speed limit” for very long? Well, it’s because Men are linear and progressive thinkers. They’re used to starting out at Level 1, then battling and tickling their way into Level 2, then tiptoeing their way over to Level 3 and so forth until they reach the Summit to win themselves the Grand prize of…a Dancing Moose.
But if they can shortcut their way into grabbing the Moose without having to “work for it” or better yet if they can somehow convince the Moose to come over, they’ll do that in a heartbeat. That’s why many new video games come jam-packed with all kinds of cheat codes. That way, if they get stuck somewhere, they can always cheat their way onto the next level. Or they can just jump over to the last chapter, slay the Dingo and then call it a day. And after that, they’ll probably never touch that video game ever again.
This is why all the “stir-frying” and “baking” should ideally be left until he “genuinely” falls in love with you.
That way, you know you have him by the “you know what” and that he’s at that stage where he cannot just leap out the window and make a run for it.
By the way, a Man usually take around 2 years to fall in love because that’s how long it takes him to know (without a hairball of doubt) that his Partner loves him unconditionally, won’t kill him if he loses his job, is as open and as transparent with him as a Public Library and respects him enough to regard him as “da Man” in all aspects of the relationship.
23. Be mellow and easy (like Sunday Morning yeah!) – Whilst Women have a thing for badass, dominant, ambitious, driven, popular, powerful, stinking rich, rugged, witty, independent, exceptionally skilled and masculine Men (who normally make their appearance in a puff of smoke), real Men are attracted to (almost) the very opposite of that in a Woman.
That’s why whilst most Waitresses, Flight Attendants, Personal Assistants, Dentists, Secretaries and others in similar “nurturing career roles” can land a date in a heartbeat. But Women in “authoritative” positions rarely get asked out.
Now, that’s not to say you should in any way compromise your career ambitions or give away your Company to the next homeless person that you meet. But it does mean that when you change out of your work clothes at night, you should also lock up that “roaring Lioness” in the same wardrobe until you’re due back for work next. And then bring out that dazzling, chirpy, elegant, playful, sensual, warm, easygoing, humble, respectful, mellow and caring Princess out to play.
It’s a bit like how Kara Zor-El (of the 2015 TV series “Supergirl”) juggles between being Supergirl and Personal Assistant Kara. And wonder of all wonders, 9 out of 10 Straight Guys prefer Personal Assistant Kara (as a potential life partner) over Supergirl any day.
24. Be down to Earth – Men haven’t changed much since their prehistoric days. They still go out and mark their territory at night (whilst everybody’s asleep), pick their noses in public (and on live Television), chew their fingernails when there’s nothing in the refrigerator, wear their pants backwards when they’re running late for something, take less than 10 seconds to do their hair and makeup, get all their shopping done for the week within four and a half minutes, come up with the worst gift ideas imaginable, have a hard time not killing anyone who pisses them off and holds onto their back hair like it’s somehow attached to their spine.
Primitive creatures (like Wild horses) are inherently “low maintenance” and down to earth. If they somehow appear otherwise, it’s quite possibly a persona, an adaptation or they’re just slightly confused about their gender. And if they’ve stayed with a particular identity for a long enough time, it’s bound to have become a part of them. But if you take the time to peel away those outer layers, you’ll soon realize that he’s still pretty much a “Wild horse” at heart.
So, what do Wild Horses like doing? They love to get down and dirty in the wild, sunbathe, relax, sleep, watch a little TV, run around for no reason, do backflips (and a few other crazy things), wear (or not wear) something simple, stick with the same two pairs of hooves every day and dine out at the crummiest and cheapest Hay Restaurants in town.
So, if you want him to have a whole new level of respect for you, make the effort to get into “his World” and appreciate his “Horsey ways”, at least once in a while. This “love of simplicity” holds true for most Men, including the wealthiest of Billionaires and Multimillionaires. But maybe not Celebrities.
25. Summarize – As mentioned earlier, Men have a per day “word allowance” allocated to them by the CEO of the Universe (much like Cellphones having a “per charge talk time duration”).
And whenever they wanna to go over that limit, all they have to do is up their alcohol intake by a couple of barrels.
After that, they can keep on talking for as long as there’s “some” booze swimming around in their bloodstreams (for up to 7 days actually, because that’s how long the booze can stick around).
But given that every glass (or shot) of alcohol whacks 30 minutes off their lifespan and since 1 in 10 of those “social drinkers” end up becoming alcoholics, it might not be the sexiest of “conversation” stokers.
So, whenever you have a long conversation planned out for him, aim to keep it as brief as possible. And cut out all the “juicy details”. Then explain to him that there’s something you would like to “get off your chest” and that you would like him to “just listen” for about 5 (to 10 minutes) without interrupting.
I call these “Weather Bulletins” because if you were actually watching the Weather Forecast on TV, you wouldn’t have much of a choice but to just watch and listen. And even if you do talk back, the Weather Correspondent wouldn’t be very interested in what you have to say.
But if after all that, he continues to interrupt or he makes an effort to put on a “first aid dressing” over your worries, ask him very lovingly to listen to you as though he was watching the Weather Forecast on TV. Follow that up by explaining to him just how burdened and “unhappy” you would feel if you don’t get it off your chest. You can also say that “it’s one of those girl things like the ‘girl flu’” to wipe away that “Is she an Alien?” expression on his face.
Once he hears a “logical enough” reasoning, he’ll be more receptive to the process. Besides, he’s smart enough to know that you being “unhappy” for too long could result in “A Series of Unfortunate Events” for him.
Now, you can, in fact, present him with as many of these “Weather Bulletins” as you would like per day, just as long as you stick to one “Weather Bulletin” per hour, don’t exceed the agreed upon duration per bulletin and don’t wake him up in the middle of the night for his “hourly weather bulletin”.
It’s also worth mentioning that a Man’s brain usually shuts down after about 10 minutes of listening to something (that doesn’t particularly appeal to him). So, he’ll “appear” to be listening. But he’ll really be thinking “Hmm…I wonder what’s for Dinner. And will this ‘listening thing’ earn me a few extra tackles later Tonight?”.
26. Make him work for it (but without dehydrating him to the point of collapsing) –
Men value what they have to work for, whether it’s a salary, a promotion, a haircut, a coffee break, the winning lottery numbers or a soulmate (ideally after winning the lottery).
It’s the competition, the battle, the strife and all the pushing, shoving and pinching that makes him feel like he’s really “earned his keep”. In fact, some Men will even go as far as photographing and showcasing their cuts, bruises and bandages (along with any hibernating Bears they might’ve killed) to anyone who walks by their front lawns.
This concept holds true in the realm of Romantic Relationships too. But unlike in the olden days, most Guys just aren’t as committed to chasing the girl to the ends of the Earth as Wile E Coyote is to the Roadrunner.
So, if you already know that he’s a good enough catch, then only make him work “just enough” to make him feel like he’s had to win you over (with his dazzling charm, gleaming teeth, well-tailored suit, eco-friendly car and high heels).
And once you have his heart safely in custody, follow the same process all the way to your Wedding Reception. Never let the relationship stagnate, play “too hard to get” or keep him stuck at the “same level” for too long.
On the flipside, don’t let him hijack your heart and hypnotize you into giving away the key to your “safety deposit box” either because most Bank Robbers tend to close their accounts immediately after committing the robbery. They don’t even send a postcard afterward.
27. Sign your name across his heart – Men are visual creatures in more ways than one. And contrary to popular belief, their eyes aren’t just there to check out a Woman’s nose and ears.
They also do a pretty neat job at noticing and “silently appreciating” anything that fits their “good stuff” criteria.
Sadly, a Man rarely “verbally acknowledges” anything other than what totally pisses him off, even though he carefully jots down nearly every good deed anyone’s ever done for him, across his heart.
You can prove this to yourself, by taking a Man’s heart (ideally after he’s passed on) and holding it under a UV lamp. And when you do, you’ll most likely see enough sweet things written on there to fill up a library. You might see a whole bunch of profanity on there too (in more than one language). So, if you think your Man doesn’t notice or appreciate what you do (and have done for him so far), then think again.
For instance, if you make him a special sandwich and present it with a glowing smile (provided that it doesn’t come with any strings attached or the sandwich isn’t poisoned), then his heart will start playing Steve Wonder’s “Isn’t she lovely” in a loop.
And if by chance, the sandwich happens to be just as awesome as the smile, his heart will also start thanking you with every bite.
Now, if he were to verbalize all this (in fine detail), it would probably take him a couple of hours to get through that sandwich.
Besides, he’s convinced that you already know “what he’s thinking”. And that his level of appreciation is obvious at the speed of his teeth (that’s chewing away at the sandwich).
If on the other hand, he takes a bite, frowns, excuses himself to go to the bathroom and never come back out again, then it’s safe to assume that he didn’t appreciate the meal or the sandwich as much.
So, don’t feel disheartened by his “seemingly ungrateful” demeanor. If his “talk allowance” didn’t limit him to a hundred words per day, nothing would make him happier than to sit next to you, look into your eyes and tell you just how much he appreciates every little thing that you do.
By the way, a Man can only appreciate (even non-verbally) what registers on his radar. So, if he “doesn’t notice” the new rug that you bought the other day, the new fabric conditioner that you recently started using, the new collar that you bought for the Dog or the little card that you left next to his wallet, then it’s most likely that his “emotions detector” (which operates much like a metal detector) has missed it altogether. It’s either that or his “emotions detector” is in need of a new battery.
28. Be vulnerable – Whilst a Man always appreciates a Woman who is strong enough to rise above all the “drama” and “pettiness” and resilient enough to stand by him through the tough times (and his countless episodes of “sheer stupidity”), he still wants to feel like the Protector and the Provider in the relationship.
And that “Protector gene” can only be ignited when you’re willing to let your guard down, be vulnerable and let him know that inside that Weatherproof, Sneeze-proof and Bulletproof Robocop Suit is a real human being with real feelings, emotions, and a pulse.
At the same time, it’s probably not a good idea to make it an everyday thing and to greet him with tears running down your cheeks every morning.
29. Two hearts, just one mind – When a Man finds a Woman with “great virtues” and the right “sizzle factor”, he starts chipping away at the bricks and boulders that’re keeping her imprisoned behind doubt, worry, distrust and her own way of life.
And once he gets rid of the of the walls and calls a cleaning service to haul away the debris, he starts putting in the wires, vines, and circuits necessary for a two-way “totally open” communication system, so that he can always be on the same page as his Lady.
He does this because wants every element of surprise weeded out from the relationship even if it means compromising on a few things.
The last thing that he wants is to believe that he’s built himself a nice juicy two-way communication portal and feel like he’s stuck listening to the radio.
30. Dial-a-Knight – A Man considers his ability to fix things (especially when they aren’t broken) as one of his greatest strengths. He loves to be praised, acknowledged and showcased for that ability whenever and wherever.
And one of the easiest ways of acknowledging this is to get him to come to your rescue every now and then (with or without the shining armor). Then let him (and your friends) know just how much you appreciate it. But only call him in situations where you feel that your health, safety or wellbeing is being threatened in some way. Otherwise, he’ll have a hard time convincing the Horse to make the trip.
Also give him a “macho nickname” to match his personality (ideally that of a heroic character from a TV show or a Movie that you/he likes, but not that of a hideous villain). This will give him more of an incentive to live up to that new name (or certain aspects of it, that doesn’t involve flying and breaking through walls).
And as always, don’t expect any verbal acknowledgment. A Man’s version of payback usually involves “physical activities” and numerous “yoga poses”.
Another thing that you can do to make him feel like your “knight in shining armor” is to ask him for advice in some area. And then follow through on that advice. Skip this part, if you don’t intend on following through on the advice, as that would only make him feel like the winner of “The World’s Next Top Idiot”.
31. Ignite your own fire – You wouldn’t dream of becoming a Swimming Coach if you were absolutely terrified of water. Likewise, you might not be in a position to light anybody else’s fire if yours doesn’t look any brighter than a firefly who hasn’t eaten in a week.
So, take a while to pamper yourself. Go get some “shopping therapy”, hang out with your friends, have a Spa day or two, change up all your bed linen with Hotel Quality luxury bed linen, change up your bed and pillows with a memory foam mattress and pillows, do some Yoga and Meditation, load up on some Fruit and Veg smoothies (to supercharge your energy and youthfulness) and postpone all your worries by a year or two.
Then unload a few bucketfuls of that happiness and joy back into your relationship.
32. Get into a couple of his hobbies – Just as you would love to have him partake in your hobbies and pastimes, he would like nothing more than to bring you into his World and share a few of his fun (or outrageously boring) activities with you.
So take a while to find out what he’s really into when he’s not working, munching, snoring, discussing philosophy with his pet turtle or hanging out with you.
Then grab one or two of those pastimes and really get into them. But try not to give him a run for his money at his own game, as that may take him years of therapy to recover from.
33. Cook your way to his heart – There’s some truth in the old saying, “the way to a Man’s heart is through his stomach”. And whilst “evolution” has revealed that there’s more than one flowery path to winning a Man over, his stomach still seems to do a lot of the talking, at least when his other “vital organs” are operating at room temperature.
But more so than the quality of the cooking, it’s the extra pampering and the personal attention that he craves and appreciates the most. That’s why many successful Businessmen are more than happy to fork out the extra money to book a Business Class or First Class flight (even when they aren’t headed anywhere specific).
So dazzle him with your best culinary skills; Introduce him to a few taste pallets that he hadn’t tried before (ideally ones that had previously been tested on humans); Make him feel like a VIP for the day (without handing him a bill afterwards); Feed him a few titbits with your hand (without getting any of your fingers bitten off) and just enjoy his company without saying much.
Also, it might be worth having all the cooking done beforehand, as he might not be too thrilled at the prospect of having a long conversation leading up to the meal unless of course, the conversation was primarily around “guy topics”. This would be very easy to pull off for a “Daddy’s girl”.
Another thing that you could do is, spend some time finding out what his Mom and Dad used to cook for him growing up. And bring a few of those recipes (or snacks) back to life. People have a natural affinity toward foods they grew up around (aside from all the mushy stuff they ate in their very early days). And even though small gifts and gestures might not mean much to a Guy, a small snack (that he loves or used to love growing up) would definitely hit the spot.
34. Make a sacrifice – Real Men are reasonably selfless creatures. And for the “right Woman” (i.e. a real Lady who loves him like crazy and has a heart made of solid 24 Carat Gold), there’s almost nothing he wouldn’t do.
In fact, he gets a kick out of making sacrifices and loves going the extra mile for her in his own “strange and bewildering way”. And, instead of perceiving them as “sacrifices”, he’ll refer to them an “acts of love”.
For instance, if he buys several snack packs for the two of you to share and you tell him that you like a particular flavor, he’ll do his very best to steer clear of it like he was allergic to it or something, even if it happened to be his favorite flavor.
Now you might not be brave enough to sacrifice your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerrys or be generous enough to let him have the last slice of cheesecake. But how about a TV show? Maybe there’s a TV show that you absolutely love on a particular channel. And it’s right opposite a TV Show that you know to be his absolute favorite. So, instead of him having to TiVo it, this time, around to watch later, why not switch it around and TiVo yours instead? And you can add to his bafflement by watching it with him.
Now, if you make this a regular thing, there’s no telling how far he’ll go to reciprocate that “act of love”.
35. Be Direct – Whilst Women process everything through 50 shades of thoughtfulness, Men pretty much just put it out there like a sneeze. Therefore, what they say is often times, what they mean (other than when they’re totally pissed off about something and start talking in a different language).
Men don’t have the “inherent ability” to sugarcoat things or know how to leave the bad news until the other person has consumed enough sugary foods. And they rarely have a clue about what to leave out of a conversation.
So when a Man is hungry, he’ll say something like “I’m starving. Shall we grab some pizzas?” whereas a Woman would use a less direct approach and ask him something like “Are you hungry?”. To him “Are you hungry?” is just a concerned question that doesn’t translate to anything else. So, a “typical Man” would reply back “No, I’m not hungry” and won’t think anything beyond that.
So, always say what you want. And never leave anything to chance.
You might at times feel that your requests are a little “insensitive”. But for the most part, he won’t see it that way, unless you explicitly ask him to “dive off a cliff” or something.
Men generally appreciate the straightforwardness, which is something that’s appropriately reflected in their anatomy too.
36. Ask and you shall receive – Just as important as being direct and telling him what’s between the lines, is telling him exactly what you want.
For instance, when you’re in need of a hug just ask. When you’re in need of a foot massage, just ask. When you need him to change a light bulb, just ask. When you want him to move the furniture around, just ask. When you want him to punch your Boss on the nose…okay, maybe we’ll leave that one out for now.
And, whenever a request feels even a little invasive or even remotely rude, back it up with a “reason” to soften the blow. So instead of feeling the knuckles landing on his jaw, he’ll get to feel a cushy glove (that’s wrapped around the knuckles) instead.
For instance, if you want him to help you out in the Kitchen just say something like “I had a really rough day. Would you help me out in the Kitchen?”. Always use the phrase “would” as opposed to “could” as the phrase “could” can sometimes ruffle a few mustaches.
37. Never talk bad about him – Ever heard about Dr. Emoto’s Rice Experiment? It’s basically a cute little experiment that you can do at home with two glass jars and a little rice.
You basically take two identical glass jars (with airtight lids), give them a little rinse and wipe them dry (to get rid of any dirt and dampness). Then you put in a little-uncooked rice into both jars (in similar quantities) and close the lids. Afterwards, you label one of the jars something nice like “I love you” and label the second jar with something that makes your nose twitch like “I hate you”.
Then every day for 30 consecutive days you would take out the jar that’s labeled “I love you”, take it to another room and shower it with compliments, gratitude, love and a whole lot of sweetness. You don’t have to spend an hour on this. Or take it out on a special date to do this. Just 2 minutes a day should do.
You would then repeat the process for the second jar (the one labeled “I hate you”). But with the second jar, instead of sweet talking it to death, you unleash a whole whirlwind of insults and profanity on it. You can even throw in a few Yo Mama insults in there for good measure. By the way if you have any human beings or Pets who understand what you’re saying nearby, you might wanna get them to plug their ears while you’re doing this.
Then after the 30 days, you make a side by side comparison of the two jars. And at first glance you’ll notice that the rice in the Jar that you labeled “I love you” (and showered with love and compliments every day) is as fresh and as crisp as the first day you started the experiment, whereas the rice in the Jar that you labelled “I hate you” (and hammered with the ickiest of phrases), has lived up to its reputation by developing mold throughout. The molding process of the second jar starts around day 20 and keeps worsening by the day.
Similar experiments had been carried out on Biwako Lake (in Japan) and Shimanto River (also in Japan) where the River was given the “sweet” treatment, and the Lake was given the “ugly” treatment. And as you might suspect, the River looked so much cleaner after the process, whilst the Lake didn’t look too pretty afterward.
Now, the power of words isn’t necessarily limited by “proximity” (even though it does play a part). Words that we put out into the ether are like emails. They’ll either land right in the other person’s inbox (or in their “sandbox”). And if they happen to be wearing a helmet to protect their minds from “garbage”, they’ll get kicked over to the “Spam folder”.
So, if it’s something that you’re planning on saying to their face or to a friend and it’s not as sweet as honey, then it’s only a matter of time before it manifests itself into something really ugly and nasty that can not only destroy your relationship, but it can also cause a part of your soul to go “moldy”.
38. Say it logically…all the way –Electronic appliances operate at a logical level. So, if you want your “Walking appliance” (i.e. your Man) to be useful, sensitive and understanding, you may have to first press a few buttons, tug a few switches and turn a couple of knobs here and there.
But if after a whole lot pushing, pulling, yanking and talking, you’re still not getting the “desired result”, then maybe you’re not operating the “appliance” as per the guidelines in the instructions manual. By the way, if he didn’t come with an “instructions manual”, it’s probably still in the Delivery room, where he was born.
As mentioned earlier, a Man’s brain operates much like a light switch. He processes nearly everything he sees and hears through that a set of predetermined conditions with two outcomes.
So, whatever something goes into his ears (even if it took you a thousand words to say it) it goes straight into the “logical jukebox” of his brain (the one that looks like a ping pong ball machine). So, if the query was intended to assess your “mood”, it’ll most likely spit out one of two replies (to the forefront his brain), which might be something like “Yeah! She’s happy.” or “Yikes! She’s not happy.”. Likewise, if the query was intended to assess your level of romantic commitment to him, the replies he’s most likely to get back are either “She loves me” or “She loves me not”.
So, whenever you wanna convey how you really feel (and how you want him to react), always be sure to inject a few “strong emotional terms” like “happy”, “unhappy”, “love”, “hate”, “like”, “don’t like” or synonyms of those terms to really get the message across.
39. Lay down the law – A Man in love will never do something that his Lady doesn’t approve of. And whilst many Women abuse this power and find their Men sleepwalking over to “greener pastures” when done right it can actually be a source of strength and stability for both parties.
You see, every relationship in our giant cobweb of relationships (be it a relationship with a Child, a Friend, a Complete Stranger, a Client, a Pet, an Extraterrestrial or a Nemesis) is nothing more than a “Relationship Account” that we regularly make deposits to or withdraw from.
A deposit is nothing more than the simple act of meeting and exceeding another person’s needs, whilst a withdrawal can be anything from a simple request, a disagreement, a temper tantrum (or similar) all the way to a snarl packed, actioned packed, drama-packed episodes of blame, criticism, ostracism, neglect, attempted murder, murder or anything “almost” as bad.
The problem is that many of us enjoy making withdrawals from all kinds of accounts (even when they aren’t ours) and we come to forget that it’s also necessary to make regular deposits into that account to keep them afloat. In fact, we overlook this “minor detail” right until the Big Bad Bank Bosses show up at our front doors with their “Relationship termination papers” or a Shotgun (depending on the severity of the overdrawn amount).
Then there’s a second group of “Relationship Account” holders, who convince themselves that many of their withdrawals are actually deposits. And they would fight tooth and nail to convince everyone else that it’s the case.
Lastly, there’s a third group that makes regular deposits into their most valued “relationship accounts”. And these deposits just happen to be significantly larger than what they normally withdraw. This third group, also happen to use a majority of those withdrawals toward the betterment of their relationship, as opposed to spending it all on Golf clubs or Shoes. And that not only puts them in a very authoritative position in the relationship, but it also gives them the right to “nudge” their loved ones in a favorable direction when needed.
For instance, provided that you have made enough deposits into the relationship account with your Partner/Boyfriend/Spouse/Whoever, you can ask him to limit his alcohol intake to maybe one drink per night. And you can justify that request with a logical reasoning by saying that you want him to have a good time, but it would break your heart to see him get sick, die young or just explode into a thousand flower petals in the middle of the night. “Coincidentally” this also safeguards him from making any of those potentially “X-rated mistakes” while he’s out of sight. That’s because if he limits his alcohol intake to just one drink per day/night, his brain and conscience are still likely to be “operational” (unless he’s the kind of guy that gets totally buzzed after the first couple of two sips).
If he still puts up a fight over this, then you can extinguish his “flames of resistance” by saying something like “Do it for me if you love me and want to see me happy”. And although this might seem as though you’re asking him to do you a favor, it’s actually the other way around. So this would actually count as a withdrawal that you’re using up in “his” favor.
Likewise, you can talk him into wearing something other than a Onesie with a pair of Bunny Slippers when you’re going out. This would be yet another withdrawal that you’re doing in his favor, as you might potentially be saving his life from a serial killer that’s prowling the streets, whacking off anyone with a “bad fashion sense”.
On the flipside, this also gives you the power to say “no” when you feel that you’re being forced into uncomfortable situations, such as being talked into dressing up your Cat as a Dog for next Halloween, being invited to team up for a Bank Robbery as the getaway driver or being asked to go on a double date with a Ghost Couple etc.
And if a “polite no” fails at any point, try saying it sternly and walking away. And if that still doesn’t work (which is rare), you can start introducing him to your Pepper Sprays, Cooking Sprays, Bug sprays or Deodorant Sprays. And then you can kill him softly with a song or two.
If you don’t kill these teeny weeny Monsters early, they can easily grow into humongous fire-breathing dragons that start gobbling up your happiness…along with your groceries.
By the way, when you enter into a new relationship, you can still lay down a “few laws” right out of the gate. Just don’t hit him over the head with the 500-page rule that you had been working on since 1st grade, though.
It’s best to stick to just 5 rules or “uncompromisable values” at the very most. That way your date won’t start feeling like he’s spending the day at court.
40. Single Task your way into happiness– Typical cell phones (i.e. Men) can’t handle more than one call at a time (unless it’s one of those smartass phones with skype on it). So if your Man is already on a call (i.e. he’s busy doing something else, even if it’s as mundane as brushing his teeth), whatever you say will just go in one ear and out the other. In fact, he might not even recall the conversation afterward. On top of that, he’ll end up brushing only a handful of teeth during the conversation, making it a perfect lose-lose scenario.
So, whenever you wanna tell him something, make sure that he’s fully disconnected from everything else, that he’s right in front of you and that he doesn’t have anything with him other than maybe a Cookie or a Coffee. Otherwise, you’ll probably have better luck talking to a washing machine.
The same goes for just about anything he does. The minute he starts multitasking (even in the slightest) is the minute he starts short-circuiting and malfunctioning. It’s much like asking your Toaster to do the ironing alongside.
And whilst some Toasters…I mean Men, might fool you into believing that they’re good multitaskers, if you watch them very closely, you’ll see that it’s really not the case.
41. Trust him unconditionally – Men had been relying on fellow members of their gang, clan, team or book reading club to have their backs in life threatening situations way before Kittens and Puppies started invading our living rooms.
For them, being next to someone that they don’t trust unconditionally is much like going for a nice relaxing swim with a very hungry shark. And they perceive trust as a two-way street with no Traffic Cops (or cameras) in sight.
So, just as it’s important for him to have someone trustworthy alongside, it’s equally important for him to be perceived as “unconditionally trustworthy” in the eyes of the other person. And if something convinces him otherwise, he’ll pretty much start feeling like a crab having a (considerably) hot bath.
So, whenever you have a reason to distrust him, replace those thoughts of distrust with thoughts of faith, love, and blueberries instead. The easiest way to make someone untrustworthy is to start distrusting them. Then, when they eventually get tired of defending their innocence, they’ll embrace those accusations as their newly formed identity. This is how many criminals are made. They never started out by setting it as a career ambition.
They either inherit it from their gangster Parents. Or they just get “pushed” into it by how they’re perceived by others. And people always live up to their expectations, whether negative or positive.
So, get into the habit of always painting him in a positive light (even if you have to choke a little through the process) and you’ll be blessed with one heck of a guy for the rest of your life.
42. Discuss, but don’t argue– Contrary to popular belief, arguments backed with bloodcurdling screams don’t lead to growth. Instead, they lead to chaos, toothaches, and trauma.
However, two-way discussions (that usually happen after securely locking up the Gun Cabinet) can lead to growth. Think of these two-way discussions as debates where both parties have an equal say in an issue and an equal number of minutes to say it.
But since fairness isn’t our strongest suit (even though we unfairly think it to be), we’ll need a couple of “unbiased referees” to help us with the process. And they would enable us to keep everything running smoothly, without any unforeseeable black eyes, nose bleeds, broken windows or sorcery.
And, who would these unbiased referees be? Two of your best friends perhaps? Or how about your Mom and just one of your best friends?
Um…maybe not. Instead, we’re gonna go with…a countdown timer (or a watch with a countdown timer) and a big feather. Yes, I did say a “feather”, ideally one from a dead bird or a bird who has given up on feathers and has moved onto something a little more “fashionable”.
So, here’s how it all works. You start out by giving each other a one-minute kiss (as a precautionary measure to keep everything “ultra-cool”). Then you set the countdown timer to 5 minutes.
That means, 5 minutes is all a person gets to get their point across. After that, the ball gets passed over to “the enemy” (even if there’s still more to be said).
They can, however, finish the last sentence (as constantly stopping midsentence can result in red cheeks and a long neck).
Now, neither person can make direct accusations, references to jungle creatures or even say anything about the other person’s Mom. And the term “you” or any derivative of it should also be excluded altogether. And no, you can’t even say the person’s name as a workaround. The preferable (and “safe”) phrase to use at all times is “I feel”. So, you can say something like “I feel that I don’t get enough help around the house”. And not “I feel that you’re a complete good for nothing idiot with a mustache infested with bugs”. Also, both parties will need to make everything they say respectful and stay on point. If either of you don’t, then the “feather” will have to intervene.
Now, the “feather” is much like a little red flag that penalizes anyone who violates these terms. And it sits right in the middle of the two “raging bulls”. So every time a rule gets broken, every time someone goes over their 5-minute time allotment, every time something “rude” or “offensive” is said and every time the speaker gets interrupted, the opponent has the right to pick up the feather and wave it in the air (or do whatever they wish with it). And when either party had gotten “feathered” for 3 violations, the opposition wins by default. Otherwise, the two of you can work things out within the debate (peacefully).
A much simpler alternative to the same process is to just stand up and speak whilst holding the feather. Then you hand over the feather to your beloved arch rival to speak and so forth. Note that the person with the “tickly feather” always holds the power (just during the debate though).
But in either model, the total duration of the “debate” should be limited to 30 minutes per session. And the number of debates per week should be 2 at the very most, even when you hadn’t won the debate. This keeps the whole thing from turning into a “crime scene”.
Now, if either of you feels tempted to go beyond that allowance for some reason, then perhaps there’s a few underlying issues from a previous relationship or from your childhoods trying to deprive the two of you of your happiness.
Remember that the idea behind this is to communicate better, to understand each other better and to appreciate one another better. And that it’s not a prelude to qualify you for the “National Debate Tournament”.
43. Indirect influence – Whilst direct communication gets results, messages pertaining to topics that are deemed sensitive to the male mind would need to be “sneakily smuggled” into their brains for them to have the desired effect.
We are talking specifically about the kind of messages that can bruise a Man’s “ego” in some shape or form. Ego is a big deal for Men. It’s an even bigger deal if they have a shortage of hair. And when a Man doesn’t get enough “ego” in his “mental diet” it can keep him locked in a never-ending cycle of hiccupping.
So, if at any time a Man feels that his ability to provide, protect or procreate is being brought into question, belittled or clawed to tiny little unrecognizable shreds, he’ll either call a friend and break down in tears. Or he’ll take a lifeline and go join a Circus.
So, why take the risk at all then? Well…because on the other side of that river of Giant Catfishes (aka Big Cats with fins), is a life… where you’ll both be able to understand and appreciate one another in a whole new way. And even begin to experience far fewer “WTF moments”. If that’s not good enough, the “strategy” mentioned here, will serve as the catnip that takes away all the “risk” of the process.
Here’s what it really does. Let’s say that your Man is more of a John Wayne than a Romeo. And he doesn’t even know what the terms Romance and Conversation mean. So, what this process enables you to do is allow his “Romeo personality” (the one that you never knew existed) to make a cameo appearance whenever the candles come out. In addition to that, this also makes him a little more understanding, a synch more sensitive and a fraction more intuitive (although it might still not be enough to make him totally crazy about Musicals).
But, this is in no way intended to give him a total Romeo makeover, however tempting as that might be. Remember that it’s the John Wayne in him that you fell in love with. And, changing that could instantly result in a severe power outage (causing various parts of your heart and his to shut down abruptly).
A quick word of caution before you proceed. This “mission” (unlike many of the others before it) might not be the easiest piece of cake you’ve sunk your teeth into. And that’s why we’re gonna be tapping into the tenacious skill sets of two sleuth kittens (named Reciprocation and Curiosity) to help us with the operation. And yes, these “fast and curious” kittens also happen to be highly trained in the arts of String Ball Fighting and Laser Light Pursuit. Interestingly enough, reciprocation and curiosity also happen to be two traits commonly found in us humans (regardless of the gender or shoe size).
Now, the role that you’re gonna be playing in all of this is that of the “Student”. We’re talking about a student who doesn’t just learn, but also practices daily. If the “practice” part is missing, your Hobby/Hubby/Hubby-Wannabe can easily assume that he’s being manipulated or being framed for a Kitchen Crime (possibly cookie related) that he didn’t commit.
So, why can’t he be the student instead? Well, that’s ultimately our goal. But there’s a little hiccup. Men have invested so much ego during their early years that it’s almost impossible for them to see themselves in the shoes of the Student, unless they see a good enough “logical reason” to.
Therefore, it is up to you as the Student and Practitioner to give him that reason. And then allow the two Special Kittens (Reciprocation and Curiosity) to talk him into taking action.
So, start by getting hold of a couple of relationship Books, Audio CDs or Video Seminars. Then put a few of the “exercises” that you read about/hear or watch into practice, whilst keeping the books “partially visible” to the “slightly hairy culprit”. The idea is to get his “curiosity” aroused to the point of getting him to make the connection between your “change of behavior” and the book.
But since Men tend to be a little “numb and dumb” in the “relationships department”, one of the best places to start this little escapade (as it gets “mind blowing results” in very little time) is with one of Lou Paget’s “how to guides for Women”. As per which “how to guide”, you’ll know it in a heartbeat when you see it.
So, what’s so special about this book? Well, let’s just say that it’s one of those books that can make his heart do backflips and cause his eyes to stop blinking for about half an hour. After that it’ll only be a matter of time (possibly minutes), before he brings up the topic himself. Then you can just hand him the book, give him a little time to “explore it” and then suggestively say with a coy smile “there’s a for Men version of that book too”. And, in the unlikely event he doesn’t bring up the topic himself (perhaps as a result of the experience ‘totally frying’ his brain), you can initiate the conversation with a question like “Did you notice something different?”.
The second resource that’s worth having a look at is Mark Gungor’s “Laugh your way to a Better Marriage”. This would easily pass as a Standup Comedy as well because it’s that funny.
Now the way you “inject” this source into his psyche is by first making “Standup Comedies” a part of your weekly routine (at least for a little while). And then by getting him to involve in the ritual. And once he’s in, you can sneak this in for a viewing.
But tell him what it is beforehand without blindsiding him. You can say that it’s something that your friend was watching the other day that you thought was really funny. And that it’s meant to be a Relationship program/Standup comedy rolled into one (a bit like how Chris Rock does it).
So, what happens if don’t manage to convince him? Then you just get into the habit of watching and laughing to it regularly yourself. And as before, when you integrate a few of these “tips” into your daily ritual, then it’ll only be a matter of time before Special Kitten Reciprocation and Special Kitten Curiosity steps into shakes things up in your favor.
This same strategy can be used to sow other seeds of wisdom into various parts of his brain too (without the need for any gardening equipment).
That’s because, it’s near enough impossible for any sane person to have a piece of life transforming information enter their brains, through one ear and have it pop out the other, without it first subjecting that brain to some serious “interior redesigning”.
44. Be a Wife, not a Mom – Most people never get to experience (or have a front row seat) to their Parents’ love affair (excluding any “biologically explicit” chapters), because the Termites had very subtly eaten all the firewood that was keeping their romance “alight”.
As a result, the relationship many of us experience is that of a Mom and a Dad (with different and opposing viewpoints and agendas), making every day feel like a reenactment of “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”.
Sadly, that sets us up to walk just as crookedly as they had done (and even attract people “just like them”), unless we make a deliberate and consistent effort to do otherwise.
And whilst that does take tons of work, bowlfuls of spinach, heaps of discipline and a never-ending supply of chewing gum, the reward is well worth the effort because that means our Kids won’t have to rely on a compass to help them walk straight.
They’ll also get to see firsthand what it’s like to be a Mom, a Dad, a Wife or a Husband as “unique individuals”. Mixing up these roles could be disastrous to the balance of the family unit as neither the Mom or the Dad likes being treated as “one of the Kids” by their spouse. And the Kids definitely like the idea of having to babysit their Parents (especially when the Kids are small enough to fit into suitcases).
So, when you’re around your kids, show up wearing your Mommy boots, a Parka and your Sheriff’s Badge (to avoid any confusion about who’s in charge). And then be the cool, awesome, spectacular (and “occasionally” uncool) Mom that you were created to be.
And when you hang with your Hubby/Hubby wannabe, slip into your sexiest heels, put on your sharpest evening dress, splash on a little “adorableness”, “playfulness” and “sexiness”, throw in a few giggles in your handbag and show up with a smile bright enough to light up the entire neighborhood. And if that sounds like too much work, just show up with a picnic basket full of adorableness, happiness, hugs, kisses, kindness and appreciation.
The better you become at separating your roles, the greater your chance will be at making each of them awesome and in making them last.
45. Document your “trip”– Many people fall out of love almost as easily as they fall out of their beds (after a bad dream).
It’s a bit like the story of Cinderella, where she meets Prince Charming at the Club, falls head over heels in love with him, has one too many celebratory drinks. And then ends up losing a glass slipper over a fistfight with the Bouncer.
Then a week later She bumps into the Prince again at the Supermarket (whilst hopping around on one glass slipper). And after a quick exchange of numbers followed up with several magical dates, they get married, have two beautiful Kids and live happily ever after…binging on Netflix.
And that’s more or less the story behind every romantic relationship. Boy meets Girl, Boy falls in love on the spot, Girl falls in love 2 years and 15 days later. They both bask in a bubble of romance infused with fireworks and glitter for the next 9 months. Then they get bored out their minds of one another (or start picking holes in their tightly knit relationship). And finally call it quits. Or they just stay together for the sake of annoying one another.
So, how do you prevent that from happening to you?
Well, for starters get into the habit of only focusing on the positives (even when it’s limited to his two front teeth). This’ll be easy for the first 9 months or so because every minute that you spend with him at the beginning of the relationship can feel like a never-ending cycle of roses, scented candles, strawberries, and cream.
The real challenge comes when the 10th-month rolls around and you get your first real dose of “intense moonlight”. That’s when everything about him starts looking like a horror movie filled with disappointments, nastiness, and bucketfuls of fake blood. And that’s also around the time, your two long lost cousins “boredom” and “mundaneness” show up and starts occupying your guestrooms. All in all, this doesn’t lead to the “happily ever after”, you initially anticipated.
Worse still, this story will continue repeating itself (with each consequent “replacement”), unless you slap your brain and tell it to “start thinking straight” from now on. That’s because our Brains are naturally drawn to the negative. And that was a good thing back in the day when the Human Race was on the run from just about any species with teeth and claws. Those days our “negativity detector” (much like a smoke detector) would sense the upcoming danger hours before and start screaming (or buzzing) in our heads until we dropped everything and ran.
But today (where the biggest threat to our survival is probably tripping over our own shoe collection), it doesn’t play as much of a vital role. In fact, it’s now gotten into the business of “%itching” about anything that it “dislikes” or doesn’t come with a discount.
So, the minute you notice your brain reception becoming “icky”, simply tune into the station with all your “happy memories”. You can do that by getting into the habit of “documenting your romance” (obviously, after you realize that there’s something there worth holding onto).
Don’t just carry your memories around with you like you would your groceries, because if something breaks or starts leaking inside, it might be too pretty.
Instead use a Camera, a Camcorder, a Diary or a Blog to document just about every minute that you spend with him for the first year or so. You can even get him to join in the fun, by showing up with a Camera and telling him that you’re “recording your memories to share with your future children”. When the emphasis is on the two of you and not just yourself, it’ll be hard for him to say no.
Then spend some time (at least once a month) recalling and reminiscing those happy memories. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if they just get rinsed off (with the shampoo) during the shower.
Even in the worst of times, keep in mind that every magnificent Horse has its muck; every Cat has his/her secret stash of Catnip (somewhere); Every rainbow comes with rain. Every Dingo steals the occasional Baby. Likewise, every Man you fall for (or partially like) will eventually surprise you by telling you that they have to poop every day or worse…that they like watching golf on TV. The solution is to always focus on the pretty stuff even when you have to clean up the occasional muck.
46. Date regularly – Another necessary ingredient to keeping the dough fluffy and perky is “romance”. Romance is often times viewed by the Male gender as the “learners permit” that gets them to the real thing. When they’re at the Learners Permit phase, they have to run on first gear and second gear half the time. And they have to treat the gas pedal like a little kitten that doesn’t mind the occasional leg poke.
But when they graduate to the “next level” and get married or start living together, then they get into the habit of whizzing past the first few gears as quickly as they can. In their minds, “if the engine isn’t making a screeching sound and isn’t generating enough fume to cause some serious environmental damage, then the Car’s probably not moving.”
They don’t realize that it is the “long romantic walk” that leads up the 100m dash that Women appreciate the most. So, it’s up to you to get that message across to them using the power of all the “direct” and “indirect” communication methods you can find.
Now, if you’re planning on using the indirect communications approach (which is probably best in this scenario), you can just use the approach mentioned earlier and gently steer him toward getting hold of a “Lou Paget how to guide for Men”. This would also (in most cases) wipe out all potential dating droughts from your life altogether.
Likewise, you can use the direct approach to telling him just how much you enjoyed going out with him (eons ago). And how much you miss that. Given that a Man’s “prime directive” (as they say in “Star Trek”) is to keep his Lady happy, he’ll most likely take it to heart. But if he still doesn’t do anything about it (after all that), then it’s safe to assume that he probably doesn’t have more than five bucks left in his bank account.
Another thing that you can do to get the dating ball rolling again, is to collect Restaurant Brochures and Menus. And then start leaving them where he can see them (without waiving any in his face). And if he asks what they’re for, you can just tell him that it’s your little “wish list of restaurants” that you would like to visit “with him” someday.
Don’t ever wait for him to have a revelation of what’s in your mind, as that could be a very…very…very…very…long wait.
47. Be three times a Lady – Whilst a down to earth and easy going personality appeals to just about any Man with a pulse, a hint of elegance can do wonders to your “holy guacamole” factor.
By elegance, we’re not talking about expensive dresses, brick size diamonds, blindingly flashy jewelry or designer Shoes (that retail at a price of two arms and a leg). Instead, we’re talking about looking your best and topping that off with a touch of “class”.
When I think of the terms “down to earth” and “classy”, it always reminds me of Princes Diana. Aside from earning her title as being a very soulful lady through all her humanitarian work, she also knew a thing or two about looking absolutely stunning. And part of that was not wearing her tiara backward (to look cool) and not treating her body like a doodle pad.
Tattoos might look cool on Guys (depending on your preference and the Guy). But they rarely do on Women. In fact, Tattoos generally paint a very distinct layer of masculinity over a Woman’s identity. With that said, a tramp stamp or a tiny tattoo by the foot area (as long as it’s “cute”) could easily pass as sexy, as most guys would be operating at a “different temperature” by the time they get to that point. Otherwise, it’s best to keep them as out of sight as possible.
And, if a guy’s telling you that a “prominent tattoo” looks cool (or even sexy), then you can be certain that he’s being about as honest as a 5-year-old Boy with a face smeared with chocolate is about not having eaten any chocolate.
Guys lie because they don’t particularly enjoy being thrown off a bridge somewhere for being candid or because they don’t wanna ruin something that they believed is worth “at least a nibble”.
Another aspect of “keeping it classy” is keeping your femininity toned up and your masculinity dialed down. Now, if you’re a professional Body Builder, MMA Fighter, Boxer, Hitman or a Sumo Wrestler, that might not be too easy. But for the most part, that’s not what most “relationship type guys” (aside from “Hercules” and a few others) are looking for. “Excess masculinity” in Women makes Men feel like Wussies. It makes them feel like the “girl” in the relationship. On top of that, it can also lead to kinds of “reptile dysfunctions” in Men.
Interestingly enough, many masculine Women also admit that they feel the happiest when they’re allowed to feel their emotions and get connected with themselves and others at a vulnerable (but joyful) level.
Nonetheless, masculine energy in “small doses” can be a good thing. In fact, a “hint” of masculinity in a Woman (and a teaspoonful of femininity in a Man), can help bring a little “flavor” and “appreciation” to the relationship, much like how a few pinches of salt can enhance the taste of a variety of dishes and pies. But too much of it can wipe the smiles off their faces and put them on antidepressants in an instant.
Another common mistake is confusing masculinity with fitness.
Fitness is awesome. Fitness is life. It’s the recipe for high levels of energy, vitality, youthfulness, flexibility, stamina, happiness, sexiness, good looks, fewer broken bones, fewer hospital vacations and fewer visits from your future in-laws (possibly).
And by sticking to a well-balanced diet consisting of all natural proteins and complex carbs (that includes both fruits and vegetables) and by not lifting anything heavier than a Baby Elephant, you too can enjoy the best of both worlds.
Many “famous” Models and Actresses (who maintain a body fat percentage of 16-20%) have got this part down to an art form partly by being Vegan or Vegetarian. It’s usually when the body fat percentage starts dropping below the 15% mark (and the tummy starts looking more like a corncob), that things start getting a little “scary” (for the Men at least). And that’s also why you’ll rarely see a Girl who has less than 15% body fat on a mainstream/big budget TV Show or Movie.
And then, there’s the “love affair” Women have with makeup. Most Ladies have come to believe that makeup somehow adds to their “natural beauty”. But for the most part, it makes them look like someone else, leaving guys feeling like they’re cheating on their girls (with the same person).
Sure. It’s important to touch up anything that you feel is less than your best. Otherwise, keep it as “natural as possible” as every effort beyond that, takes away from your “true worth”.
In fact, if you ask just about any straight guy (who’s depressed enough, to tell the truth) whether a girl looks her best in her pajamas first thing in the morning (without any makeup) or when she’s all dolled up, you’ll have your answer right there. Two great examples of people who have kept a “reasonably” good balance between makeup and natural beauty (especially in more casual settings) are Princes Diana and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.
48. Add some “Baking Soda” to the mix – In the appearance department, you’re now almost ready to go out and kill it. But we don’t wanna just leave people breathless when you walk into a room. We also wanna get their hearts doing the “Gangnam style dance”, the second they catch a glimpse of you. And we do that by throwing a little “extra sizzle” into the mix.
Now, dressing Elegant already takes you well over the halfway mark on this. But in order to let “everybody” know that you’re in town, we’re gonna need to let your “twin sisters” get a front row seat to the show (without letting them out of them out of the cage of course). Yes, I’m referring to flashing a little cleavage, with a push-up bra to “keep them awake”. But don’t overdo this as it can send out a completely different message and start attracting the wrong people (in droves).
As per the clothes, always go for a perfect fit or as tight of a fit as possible as you can manage (without it causing you to choke on every breath). And where tight outfits aren’t an option, try wearing basic black or a dark color of your preference.
You need to have enough space to breathe diaphragmatically (i.e. slow deep breaths that fully inflate your stomach), as things might not look all that sexy if your face starts turning blue.
Then we have those all-important shoes. The shoes need not be Manolo Blahnik or anything even remotely extravagant. They just need to be high heels that allow you to walk comfortably in a straight line.
Also, as mentioned earlier “excess makeup” can be a real buzz killer. So, keep it as light as possible. But feel free to go a little overboard with the nails and the hair (without looking like you’re wearing a big hat).
Lastly, once in a while, consider showing up wearing a pair of faux leather pants (that’s breathable) just to keep things “interesting”.
49. Fight for your love – Chit happens from time to time in every relationship. And sometimes it’s their fault (99.99% of the time). And occasionally (possibly as a result of a bad shrimp) it could be yours.
But when it does, come off the blame game and say to yourself (preferably not out loud) “He’s an idiot. He’s probably reading it backward again”. And you’ll be absolutely right. Half of what we say as Men and Women are interpreted in a completely different light when it reaches the other side of the communication… 5 feet away.
So start seeing every day as a learning process where you’re both learning to understand and appreciate one another. More than that you’re trying to figure out what the heck he’s saying.
50. Make time for him (even after the Baby) – One of the most common pitfalls in every relationship, is forgetting about the “first baby” when the “second one” shows up.
The first baby we’re referring to is the “fully grown Baby” (the one with the stubbly face and hairy toes) that used to steal all the thunder until the “new (considerably small) Sheriff” showed up.
Now, that’s not to say that you don’t give your child the attention that he/she needs. Or that you hand them a plate of Cookies, a bottle of milk and a TV remote control and just leave them to their own devices. On the contrary, you give them the attention they need (although not necessarily the attention they want).
At the same time, you show them right out of the gate that there are other members of the family who are just as important. And that the “umbilical cord cutting ceremony” is really nothing more than their welcoming party into a very special and elite unit of cool folks calls a “family”.
Besides, after the baby wiggles out of his/her 5-star hotel suite with no electricity (called the womb), we have exactly 6 years to show them what life is all about. After that, much of the information that’s gotten fed into their mushy little minds (in the form of words, pictures and potato puree) begins to harden and shape their lives.
So, if the Baby sees their Mommy and Daddy hugging and kissing one other like a newly married couple (the second they pop out), they’ll take a snapshot (or make a brief video) of that (using their cute and googly eyes) and store it away in their brains for later reference. If on the other hand what they see is their Mommy and Daddy having a cowboy/cowgirl standoff (over yet another disagreement), that’s what’ll get stored away in their memory banks. And what they’ll (most likely) attract into their lives when they’re ready for the real world.
So, being nice to “Dad” and putting him in the spotlight, especially when you’re in front of “the mighty Baby” pays many dividends. For starters, it can potentially save your Child’s future marriage (unless they meet someone interesting in the delivery room and decide to get married on the spot). On top of that, it can save your own marriage/relationship.
That’s because aside from being totally ecstatic about becoming a new Dad, this is also around the time a Man starts feeling “extremely insecure” about his own future. He feels as though he had just gotten “replaced” by this cute and irresistibly cuddly creature made entirely out of cookie dough. And as a result, he starts walking around with a parachute tied to his back. This, by the way, is one of two most common scenarios where a Man feels “compelled” to make a run for it. The other reason (in case you’re wondering) is the most obvious one.
That’s why it’s so important to have a “good talk” before the Baby arrives to give him the assurance that he will continue to be your “favorite Baby” of all the Babies you’re planning on having. And that’s a promise that you’ll need to backup through your “actions”, especially after the inevitable “baby invasion”. If he can’t “see it”, he won’t believe it. That’s why some Dude (who obviously had a hard time believing what other people were saying) came up with the phrase “Seeing is believing”.
Now making time for the “Hubby/Hobby” needn’t be something that eats up 23 hours of your daily schedule. For the most part, all it takes is a simple “private couples weekend” once a month or so, completely “baby free”, to keep your relationship (with the “Giant baby”) sparkling like a brand new cutlery set.
Obviously, this wouldn’t be something you’ll be able to start doing just days after giving birth, as you’ll need to first find a babysitter who has no affiliation with any Dingoes and has a trustworthy enough face that says “I will not steal your baby”. At the same time, it’s not recommended that you keep him hanging until the Baby turns 10 years old either.
51. Break down your walls – If you wanna a build a new house, a new life or even put up a cozy little tent, you’ll first need to tear down the walls that you have built up through the years.
It’s only then, that he’ll have ample space to build the Castle (a real Castle, not a Sandcastle) that he had planned out for the two of you for so long. And it’s only then, that he’ll be able to get down on one knee and ask you for your hand in your happily ever after.
Now, laying all your cards on the table does not mean that you open up every can of worms that you have stored away in your cellar, even if that’s what he expects from you.
Once the worms are out, they might not wanna go back in the Can. Therefore, some topics should just be covered “briefly”, especially where “intimate details” are involved.
The last thing that he wants is to feel like he has to compete with a whole “flock” of lovers from your past. So, pull out all your skeletons, but don’t let him stare at them for too long. And at the end of the process, you wanna leave him feeling like he has “always” been the one for you (even if that’s about as honest as saying “the moon is made out of marshmallows”).
But, if after all that, the ring with the cool looking rock still doesn’t show up, then there might still be a few other areas he’s still concerned about.
It’s either that or he’s a fretting over the fact that more than 80% of all divorces get filed by Women. And that he could be “next in line” to get his “wedding ring finger” chopped off.
52. Let him take the lead – A Real Man loves to lead. And a Real Lady appreciates a Man taking the lead (as long as it’s done with care and consideration).
That’s why most Women prefer to wait for the guy come over, strike up a conversation, ask them out, organize the dates, break the ice at every level (without the use of an “Ice Axe”) and make the marriage proposal (while he still has a job).
Ultimately, it is in the Man taking the lead (in most situations) that ignites both his candle and hers. And keeps it alight, for as long as he remains in the driver’s seat, doesn’t fall asleep at the wheel, doesn’t say anything stupid and doesn’t run out of matches (for the candles).
But if ever the roles are reversed, it puts out those candles in an instant, almost like someone splashing with a bucket of water over them.
So, allow him to plan out the dates, allow him to map out the route for the journey, allow him to change all the lightbulbs in the house (and do all the heavy lifting), allow him to battle it out with the big bad spider and allow him to cover all (or most) of the house expenses etc. Oh…and get him to pay the whole darn mortgage himself too (if he’s “willing” to do it).
However, don’t let him get too involved with the Wedding reception planning. You don’t really want an “amateur” ruining your special day now, do you?
53. Be respectful –Men go into the battlefield and get their butts decorated with bullets, just so they can add a few more medals to their collection. And each of those Medals, in turn, earns them a higher degree of honor and respect. And if they get fatally wounded on the battlefield (of stockbroking), they’ll die happily staring at the 250 medals they had accumulated before that.
So for them, the two terms respect and freedom go hand in hand. In essence, Men are willing to lay down their lives for either of those (and occasionally for a limited edition Krispy Kreme Donut).
Therefore, it’s safe to assume that they don’t particularly enjoy sarcasm, condescending and emasculating remarks or anything that makes them feel like a little girl or an Ewok.
So, get into the habit of sugarcoating everything you say to your Guy, with a nice creamy layer of “r-e-s-p-e-c-t”.
And to reassure him that it wasn’t the “voice in his head” talking to him again or a ghost whispering in his ear, let him “see” that you’re for real.
So, when you say that you’re gonna show up at 5pm, he won’t mind you showing up 5 minutes earlier. But he’ll definitely not be too thrilled to see you 5 hours later.
And when you talk about him to your friends (or his), he expects his reputation to not be treated like a fresh pack of chewing gum.
Likewise, when he buys you something be it a watch, a candle, a wax model of himself, a sock (or two), he expects you to use them, keep them on display (maybe not the socks, though) or wear them often.
When a Man feels “truly” valued and respected, you should be able to hear his heart humming the Paul McDonald & Nikki Reed song from the movie Twilight, “All I ever needed”. If instead, you hear it hissing and huffing, then maybe he’s not feeling it all that much.
54. Wear your heart on your sleeve – If you’ve ever had your heart broken, then chances are you’ve gotten into the habit of locking it up in your personal safe when you go out. And whilst that’s generally not such a bad thing, it’s not the best course of action when you’re actually trying to fall in love.
So, take your heart with you the next time you go to meet that special someone. And if you still have a few concerns (or it’s way too early in the relationship), then keep it in your handbag next to a “cute” little handgun of your choosing. But let it out for “a little breather” once in a while.
A rose can only blossom when it can feel the warmth of the Sun. As such, it’s only when you start wearing your heart on your sleeve, that he’s able to fall in love with you.
55. Look your best – Looking your best isn’t all about hair, makeup, shoes, jewelry and dresses, although they do play a part. It’s more to do with taking care of your “health”. And then letting that “happier version” of you attract more happiness into your life.
When you treat yourself right (by eating and drinking the right stuff and working out a little everyday) you not only feel good, look good, live longer, live healthier, live “significantly” stress free and have ridiculous amounts of energy, but you’re also far less likely to kill anyone that gets on your nerves.
Now, maybe you’re already in the best shape of your life and feel ridiculously awesome all day, every day. Maybe you look great but feel like you’re running on 4 flat tires. Maybe you’re on your way, but find yourself being magnetically drawn to just about every Dunkin’ Donuts in your route. Or maybe you had drifted a few thousand miles off course (just as I had at one time) and don’t even know which road you’re on anymore.
Regardless of how far you feel you have floated off course, it’s really not that difficult to get back on it again (even if you had been going in the wrong direction since you were just 2 weeks old). In fact, it’s ridiculously easy.
Sure. It takes a while (or a while longer than a while) and some work. But it’s far simpler (and painless) than most “fitness programs” and “diets” perceive it to be.
I see most Fitness Gurus like Superheroes that show up in the middle of our “journey to nowhere”. They say something like “I can save you (in just 60 days for $89.95). Just grab onto my cape and hang on”. And therein lies the problem. Superheroes don’t have a speed limit. They don’t carry speedometers. And they aren’t regulated by any of the modern day traffic laws (or “any” kind of law for that matter).
And yet, it’s far too tempting of an offer to forgo. After all, isn’t the “program” supposed to pluck and prune all that “unwanted stuff” while you’re getting your nails done? And all for just 90 bucks? So, we whip out our credit cards, make the payment, grab hold of that shiny cape and … hang on (or at least try to…for the first few minutes).
What happens after that? Well, if you can imagine what it would be like for a Koala (that’s as high as a kite on Eucalyptus) to hang onto a Cheetah (that’s just spotted a defenseless cheesecake), then you can get the gist of what it’s like for most folks to try and keep up with these “overnight superhero” fitness programs. And all whilst being restricted to a die-eat (I mean a “diet”) of just half a carrot and a bowl of soup every day.
But there’s an easier way. And a “reasonably effortless” way. And that’s to adopt the look good and feel good fitness program that had been made available to us (and the Dinosaurs before us) by none other than our Creator, completely free of charge.
But this “Supernatural wellness program” does come at a price. And that price involves breaking up with many of your besties (the edible variety). And then replacing them with a whole new gang of friends who might not be as sweet (at first), but have your best interest at heart.
In essence, we’re kicking out all the “processed baddies” out of our lives for good (or at least for 6 days a week). And then replacing them with fresh produces such as fruits, vegetables, greens, nuts, and seeds, along with a generous supply of water.
As per the “how much of what to eat, when and how”, we determine that by referring to the “proportions rule of consumption” that has been enforced on us (very politely) by the “Chairman of Planet Earth”.
So we can go absolutely crazy with water (as a beverage) because 70% of the Earth surface and our bodies consist of water. And you can meet that hydration requirement by aiming to drink at least one glass of (fresh) water every hour of every day (except when you’re asleep of course). But, you might wanna slow down with the water binging a few hours before going to bed, to prevent having to sleepwalk back and forth from the bathroom all night.
Also, if you’re having “one of those days”, it might be worth doing a quick sniff test before drinking any “water”, just to make sure that it is indeed water and not anything else (like Vodka for instance). Whilst the two do look alike, their benefits (or the lack of them) vary drastically (especially when you’re behind the wheel).
Next in line is greens and vegs, that occupy almost as much space as our Kids, which means they should also occupy a good part of your daily meal plan. Just so that there’s no confusion, I’m referring to the greens and vegs here, not your Kids.
Lastly, we have fruits, nuts, and seeds that have been provided to us in “small doses” because they tend to be a little more “calorie dense” than the rest. Therefore, we should try and limit those food groups to only a handful every day.
But since our primary goal is to “retrain our taste buds”, in an effort to get them excited at the very sight of a vegetable (or a watermelon), we can ignore this “proportions rule” altogether at the very beginning. And just eat any amount of fruits, vegs, greens, nuts, and seeds that your heart desires (whilst sticking to that all important hourly water regimen).
By the way, the “fresh produces” you plan to consume would need to be the real deal. So, they will need to look like they had actually come from a tree (and not a factory somewhere), which means they can’t be in the form of a can, a carton, a box, a jar, a packet, a bottle or an ice cream tub).
In addition to limiting our association with processed foods to just one day a week (or less), we’re also gonna eat as much (or all) of that heart friendly, soul friendly, mood friendly and environment-friendly foods raw. Why? Because that’s how creator gave them to us. Besides once you experience how “alive” you feel on raw foods (after trying them out for several weeks), you’ll really not feel like going back, ever. As Tony Robbins puts it “To feel alive, eat live foods”.
So, where did the meat and all that other good stuff go?
Kittens along with all other creatures that enjoy watching TV have been excluded from this “nutrition plan” because us Humans were “designed” to be herbivores (i.e. vegans). That’s why we don’t have retractable claws, fangs, an antenna or even an intimidating growl.
Sure, we can kill the occasional Chicken or Cow with some really bad music. But, have you ever tried catching one with your bare hands? This is further evidenced by the fact that Red Meat is now proven to be leading cause of cancer and many other “heart-stopping” medical conditions. And even though
White Meat is yet to be given the third-degree, I personally doubt that they’re perfectly innocent in all this. After all, it’s not like they’re made out of yarn or polyester you know.
But, if you’re totally panic-stricken by the lack of protein on this meal plan, then it might be reassuring to know that absolutely everything that comes straight from the caring hands of Mother Nature has an “adequate amount” of protein in them.
That’s why you don’t see Elephants, Rhinos or Gorillas (who happen to be the “unofficial” Kings of the Jungle and diehard vegans) ordering protein supplements online to compensate for the so-called protein deficiency perpetuated by “humans”.
Now, in addition to getting the right nutrition grooving and shaking in your veins, you also need to move it, move it, a little every day in order to keep your engines purring like a happy kitten.
Way back in the stone ages, there was no cable TV. If there was, there would’ve been nothing preventing those inconsiderate and hungry predators from walking in the front door and completely devouring us (toes and all).
So, that meant in order for us not get killed, we had to be on the run, be on the chase or be playing dead (which is what we had to do when we hadn’t eaten our vegetables). This in modern day terms translates to “regular exercise at varying levels of intensity”, which is the key concept behind many effective workout programs today. That goes to show that our creator had it all laid out for us “as sweet as honey” from the very beginning. But it all went blurry right after humankind had their first ever slice of pizza, eons ago.
So, in order for us to become that ideal version of ourselves, we need to first reach a state of body and mind, that enables us to handle an intense workout or two every day, without it feeling like reenacting a history lesson on medieval torture techniques. But if the only exercise tool you’re familiar with is your TV remote control, then it’s much safer for us to start out in first gear and then gradually shift gears, as opposed to firing up your engine on top gear, hitting the gas with both feet and hoping for the best.
You see, our brain doesn’t like change. So, the minute it sees you attempting to do something “spectacular” it starts to panic and tries to talk you out of it. But if the change you make is subtle and not too far off your comfort zone, then your brain will just stare at you in confusion for a few seconds and then look away.
So, that’s the approach we’re gonna be using…small incremental changes made over time (aka Kaizen). But those incremental changes will need to be applied simultaneously to both your nutrition and fitness regimens, in order to create the “Fusion” that leads to the desired result. Otherwise, it’ll be like trying to clap with one hand or chewing with one jaw.
First up is the nutrition. Here, all we’re gonna do (for starters) is replace just one of our regular meals with a scrumptious fruit/veg smoothie or a salad (or both), whilst keeping everything else the same. Then after about a month or so (depending on your comfort level), we’re gonna swap the second meal with yet another smoothie or salad (or both). And finally, when you are brave enough to say goodbye to your last “less than ideal” meal, you can swap that too with another smoothie or salad.
By the way, for the smoothies, I would recommend that you get a Vitamix, a Nutri Ninja or a Nutribullet to get you going. They come with some seriously awesome smoothie recipes too. And these mean little puppies can whip and whoop those hardheaded veggies to a pulp like nobody’s business.
I personally prefer to have a salad or a smoothie every 3 hours. That way, you get to enjoy around 5-7 small meals a day and still continue to get healthier and fitter.
Also, to ensure that you’re getting enough nutrients pumping through your veins, you might wanna aim for around 10 different types of fruits or vegs a day, whilst making your plate as colorful as possible. I also take one scoop of a Super Greens supplement called “Lean Greens” that gives you the “added coverage” for any missing nutrients. It also helps keep those “junk food cravings” at bay, whilst giving you that “Popeye on spinach” feeling.
Now, if at any time you notice those hunger pangs poking at your tummy, try sprinkling in a generous dose of healthy oils (such as Extra Virgin Olive oil or Extra Virgin Rapeseed oil) into your salads the next time around. Also, try adding a handful of nuts (ideally almonds) into your smoothies. Upping the water intake also helps as our bodies often confuse thirst for hunger (or suffocation).
By the way, it might be worth staying away from members of the Addams Family…I mean the Cabbage Family (such as Cabbage, Brussel sprouts, Cauliflower and Broccoli) as much as possible, as they tend to make the pants “cough” a little.
But that needn’t be such a big issue, as you can easily say goodbye to these “trombone” troubles by dressing up your salads and other raw food meals with some healthy oils (as mentioned earlier) and by eating your fruits, nuts, and veggies in separate meals (as nature intended it). Adding a few “activated charcoal” tablets into your diet also help.
Then we have the fitness side of the regimen, which we’re gonna start (alongside the nutrition plan) with an easy breezy 10-minute slow walk around the block.
And that’s a regimen that you’ll need to commit to, even if there’s a snowstorm outside. Besides, if you take some of your favorite tunes with you, you’ll barely notice the snowstorms, the hurricanes, the flying Cats and the 150 miles per hour winds. But do keep the volume down on your mp3 player (or portable gramophone), so that you’re acutely aware of your surrounding and don’t end up getting run over by a dozen trucks and a couple of elephants.
Now, in case you’ve already gotten your snowstorm gear and shovel ready to go, I wasn’t really serious about going out during icky conditions. If the weather’s “genuinely” bad, you can just do a 10-minute workout indoors instead. For instance, you can do 10 minutes on the treadmill at the lowest setting. Or if you don’t have a treadmill, you can just walk around in circles in the living room for 10 minutes (without making yourself or the Cat sitting in the middle of the room, dizzy).
Then as the weeks’ progress, start increasing the duration of these slow walks gradually to 15,20,25 and 30 minutes. And when you hit the 30 minute per day mark, work on increasing your pace by walking a little further every week.
Finally, when you can whip through your entire neighborhood in 30 minutes without your legs ever touching the ground, you can dive into something a little more fun and intense like P90X3 (which is what I do much of the time).
By the way, if you commit to doing these workouts first thing in the morning straight after having a couple of glasses of water and half a banana (for the energy), you’ll be far less likely to spend the remainder of the morning procrastinating about it. Brian Tracy advocates ‘eating’ the ugliest frog first whilst skipping out on all the menial “tadpoles”. I am not that much into eating either live Frogs or Tadpoles personally. But at a metaphorical level, that’s sound advice.
Now, even after you earn your Superhero outfit, remember to start out slow and steady, before going all Clint Eastwood with your workouts. Otherwise, you may find yourself spending a couple of hours looking around for your teeth, eyebrows, earrings and whatever else afterward.
And after just 6 months of sticking with this plan, you’ll be looking at a brand new person in the mirror. In fact, even the mirror will have a hard time recognizing you.
That’s not to say that this program is in any way a silver bullet. It’s not. Yes, in 6 months you will see a transformational difference. You’ll look even better and feel incredible. But in order to get to your “dream destination” (whatever that is for you), it’ll take a little more effort and time (perhaps 1-5 years depending on your starting point).
Let’s put it this way. If you had been going in the wrong direction for 20 years, it’s just not realistic to expect to run in the other direction and fly past the finish line (of your desired destination) in just 60-90 days and still have your limbs intact.
By the way, if this nutrition/fitness plan felt a little too “summarized”, then you can read the more detailed version here: https://KaizenFusion.com/WeightLoss
Yes, there is a more detailed version.
Testing a Man, the “right way”
Men and Women put each other through more tests than the number of times a Professional Boxer gets hit in the face in a lifetime (this is not including the punches they receive from their spouses after they lose).
But these “tests” would only work if they were going out with same-sex partners.
Otherwise, they would be about as effective as training your Cat to play the violin for the Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra.
This is why as a general rule of thumb, both Men and Women fail nearly all of the tests thrown at them…miserably.
So, how do you determine if a Man’s truly in love with you? And whether he’s likely to be there by your side at your 119th birthday party?
Well, given that everything Men think, do or say rotate around the 3 “tasks” they had been sent to this Planet to fulfill (i.e. to provide, protect, procreate and have a game of pool in-between), it’s only fitting that we test them on just those areas.
Now, you might feel that there are other tests that can more accurately determine whether or not he’s a suitable candidate. But if he’s not had the exposure or has studied female psychology as a subject (since the age of 2), then those tests will not be much different to testing someone on their fluency in a language that they hadn’t even heard before.
Besides, given the choice, would you go with the guy who’s willing to take a “real bullet” for you (but is about as romantic as a Giraffe) or the other guy who buys you flowers and candy and says all the right things (but drops you like a hot potato and runs for cover at the first sight of trouble)?
And yes. You can have both (not both guys, just one guy who has the best of both worlds). And we do that by first choosing the “right guy” (the one who’s willing to wrestle an army of menacing squirrels to keep you safe). And then using some of the “indirect influence” techniques discussed earlier to awaken the charming and dazzling Prince that had been snoozing away (inside the dungeons of his mind).
So here are the 3 simple tests that prove, whether he’s worth keeping around. Or whether you’re just better off handing him over to the Mob.
1. Does he splash more on you than himself?
Boys love getting hold of just about every Toy and Gadget they can think of, along with every shiny object that comes their way (especially when they’re broke).
Men, on the other hand, tend to be a little more responsible and frugal with their money. They rarely “treat themselves” extravagantly when they’re on their own. But they tend to be the very opposite when they’re going out with someone.
Also, they tend to make certain “sacrifices” (often times in secret) to ensure that their Lady always gets the better part of the deal, whether it’s the better half of the pizza, the better seat at the theater or the bigger share of the duvet etc.
Now, the frugal part doesn’t apply to all Men because some Men (who have “happier bank accounts”) do splash a little on themselves once in a while.
But one simple rule never changes. And that is, he will never spend a dime more on himself than he does on the person he’s in love with. That doesn’t mean he’s gonna spoil you every single day of the year and at every turn (although that would be nice). Unfortunately, most guys don’t have the “emotional intelligence” to do that (or just don’t have the budget for it). But when he does pull out the wallet (for those special occasions), he will go a little crazier than normal (depending on what’s in his wallet).
So, how do you know for you sure? Well, the most accurate way of doing this is to see how much he spends on himself when he’s entirely by himself without a single seagull in sight, over the course of a month or so. And by then comparing that figure with the money he spends on the two of you (as a couple) over the same period of time. You should always calculate the money in terms of “expenses as a couple” as opposed to going by what he spends solely on you, because Men generally don’t splash money on expensive dinners and outings, let alone eat a cookie that they have to pay for when they’re on their own.
But if you don’t have a completely foolproof way of doing this (without setting off the security alarm and having the whole house surrounded by Cops in the middle of the night), then there’s a simpler workaround to this. And that’s to go by how much he spends on treating himself for his birthday and comparing that with how much he spends on your birthday the same year. We’re talking about “cash value” here. So, it can’t be the number of presents he buys or the amount of “effort” he puts into your birthday.
Men assess the importance of something or someone based on “calculable numbers”, such as size (no surprise there), cash value, the amount of time, the number of times their heart beats per second when they’re around their “potential soulmate” etc.
In fact, most guys “in the know” don’t feel comfortable buying their ladies “small and inexpensive gifts” as tokens of their love, as their “cash values” don’t justify what’s in their heart. At the same time, they couldn’t exactly afford to buy diamonds for them every day either.
So, as crazy as it sounds, his love is really in the “numbers” (more than his kiss).
2. Does he come to your rescue?
We’re not talking about “fashion emergencies” or “recipe disasters” here. We’re talking about stuff that “genuinely” threatens your safety (in some shape or form), such as being stalked by a pigeon all the way home, having engine trouble in the middle of the Autobahn, finding out that a burglar had broken in the night before and stolen all your Coffee (along with two full cartons of 1% milk) etc.
Make this about “real situations” though. You don’t wanna be the gal who cried Wolf three times and not have anyone show the fourth time around.
And if the emergency was for real, he’ll get there as “fast as possible”. Obviously, if he’s stuck in traffic or something, it’ll take him a while longer, because he doesn’t want the World to know that he can actually fly.
If on the other hand, he gets there a week later, looking as cool as a cucumber, then you might have some serious questions to ask yourself.
3. Does he go the “extra mile”?
When things enter the cooking, stir frying and baking phase of the relationship, does he roll over and fall asleep when he’s “fully sizzled” and “happy”? Or does he pummel through?
Also, does he find anything about you unappealing or unsexy (especially when things are more “out in the open”)?
As corny as this all sounds, this really is a very viable test for Men. If he’s only concerned about getting his share of the cookies, then you can bet your Cat’s whiskers that he’s just not that into you.
Watch out for the Alligators
1. Keep your temperature in check
Whilst it’s important to enjoy your dating life, it’s just as important to protect yourself from those who can do irreparable damage (both to yourself and to your unborn children). Obviously, nobody wakes up with the intent of screwing somebody over (with the exception of a few lawyers who do that for a living). But it does happen from time to time.
Fortunately, you can protect yourself from many of these “unfortunate events” by first driving well below the speed limit (but without holding up everyone behind you) and by taking a few “precautions”.
By taking things slow (and by keeping our “oven doors” tightly shut), we give our relationships a real fighting chance. That’s because more than 90% of all relationships that enter the highly combustible “danger zone” within the first two years of the relationship, get burnt.
On top of that, there’s the risk of “STUD infections”. Yep. Those Studs really know how to push the right buttons to get things “meowing” along. The first problem with this is that way more than a third of the US population is already infected.
In fact, the total number of “STUD infections” (often times referred to as STDs, STIs or WTFs) totaled well over 110 million in the US (as at 2014). This number is reported to be growing at a pace of 20 million new infections per year.
By the way, these stats aren’t all that much different across the globe (except in certain cultures, where they just watch TV and hope for Babies).
One of the biggest culprits behind this “hidden epidemic” are oven gloves (of the intimate variety) because most folks have given into the notion that they’re meant to keep them “protected” throughout the entire “baking process”. But the reality is that an oven glove (however well made) can only protect you from “some” of the heat (along with some of the “spills”).
Another area these oven gloves don’t protect is…the face and anything associated with the face. So, if your face were to go anywhere near the “oven” (which “inadvertently” happens from time to time), it won’t really make much of difference as to how many oven gloves you’re wearing or how “reliable” others claim them to be.
So, the only real “protection” you have is in getting all your oven equipment and their owners tested for “inflammability issues” beforehand.
Also, it might be worth noting that these “highly inflammable” individuals might not have any symptoms to say that they’re inflammable in any way. In fact, most folks who are infected don’t even realize it until they go all “spotty” or burst into flames a few years down the line.
2. Keep your soul on ICE
Ever found yourself getting fired up over absolutely nothing and saying a whole bunch of stuff that you only recall your Mom saying (when she’s had one cookie too many)?
And have you ever wondered why you tend to attract “potential boyfriends” who have similar attributes to your Dad (the good, bad and the strange)?
Also, did you noticed repetitive patterns in your previous relationships (particularly in how they ended)?
For better or worse, much of this is “inherited behavior”.
Our Parents can have a major influence over the decisions we make throughout our lives right down to the kind of person we marry and the number “trial marriages” we undergo before arriving at the real thing. In fact, the onus of most drug addictions (including cigarettes), teenage pregnancies, alcoholism, depression, lack of self-esteem and the lack of ambition all stem from either poor Parenting (resulting from criticism, blame, and guilt) or single Parenting (resulting from a divorce or abandonment).
Now, whilst we do have the power to mold ourselves into whoever we desire to be (with excruciating amounts of hard work, consistency, and tons of porridge), by default we take the same roadmap as our Parents had done. We take the same side roads, back roads, freeways, and intersections and even end up running the same traffic lights as they had done.
It’s almost like our limbs had been tied to some kind of autopilot program, whilst having our brains drugged into compliance. And that “autopilot program” is inherent to all humans, geese and all other bewildering creatures alike. That’s why Geese always fly south when they go on vacation every time (and don’t even bother consulting their travel agent).
Fortunately, us humans have a choice. We can either stay strapped to that pod of “cluelessness” and continue hurtling away to our journey to “hopelessness”. Or we can jump out the back door, pick ourselves up, straighten our jewelry and start a new journey.
Then, there’s the third option of waiting till someone decides to “nudge us” off course (hopefully with good intentions).
And once we’re free, we can sculpt and prune our Gardens (in all aspects of our lives) so that they’re as pretty as can be and can withstand most adverse weather conditions.
Then, that “new mold” will become “the new autopilot standard” that gets passed down to your children, grandchildren, kittens, puppies and pet walruses. And all they have to do is sit down, fasten their seatbelts and let their Parents (i.e. you and your elected Hubby/Hubby candidate) show them how it’s done.
Now, if you’re one of the lucky ones who won the Parent lottery, then all you have to do is just stay the course (whilst remembering to take the occasional photo).
3. Filter out the Boys from the Men
There’s basically 2 types of Boys you need to watch out for.
The first type is looking for a “Mommy” to wrap them up in a baby blanket and take care of them for the rest of their lives. Duties may include diaper changing, sock picking, bedtime stories and bottle feeding (unless of course, they prefer to be breastfed instead). These “boys” had been dangling around their Mother’s umbilical cord for so long that they never had the opportunity to become real men. And most likely they never had a father figure to model after either. So, all their relationship knowledge most likely comes from reality TV shows like “Jerry Springer” and “Cheaters”.
Then there’s the second “hit and run perpetrator” types, who are basically looking to spread their DNA and STUD infections to just about anyone and anything with a pulse.
These “players” portray many of the traits that appeal to Women (starting with their dress codes, bad boy personas, social status, charms, and skills). So, they pretty much check all the boxes right out the gate. And they play the same cards that Women generally play on Men. So, “their game” is pretty much spot on. And their charm is almost as irresistible as Peanut Butter is to Mice.
But these brief “Vampire encounters”, usually leave you with nothing more than a cupboard full of Kleenex tissues, quadruplets (who’ll most likely ask who their Daddy is the second they’re born) and a few nasty looking rashes that don’t seem to go away.
The good news is, there’s a very easy way of filtering out the Boys from the Men. And that’s primarily through the kind of topics they like to talk about.
Real Men avoid the topic of sex until they establish a very strong and mutual connection. Boys, on the other hand, will continue pushing and pulling on every button and lever, with hopes of getting that “oven door open”.
As Dr. Patricia Allen so brilliantly puts it “Boys like playing with v@g!n@$. Men like Virtues”.
4. Weed out the Zombies
Two of greatest assets you can ever find in a man are potential and drive. The two together is possibly the closest thing you’ll find to a “bottomless bank account”.
And if you fall for someone who has these two traits (in ample supply) it won’t matter much what he has in the Bank right now, because once he gets his cap straightened out, he’ll pretty much have the ability to clap his hands and poop Gold in a moment’s notice.
However, it can’t be a Dude who has one or the other. There’s a whole bunch of people who are full of potential. But they have sat on their potential for long that it’s now started to attract bugs and birds. The same can be about the Dudes who have enough drive to jog to the moon and back, but instead spend their days chasing rabbits.
By the way, this is not in any way there to encourage you to chase guys with wallets. Money can only buy you so much happiness before it starts feeling like you’re sitting in an empty swimming pool with just your iPod and Edward Cullen action figure to keep you company.
But it’s also no fun being stuck with someone who can only afford a house made of Lego blocks and having to share a cookie with 10 other family members during meal times either.
So, if you don’t happen to bump into a Multimillionaire on your way to work anytime soon and instantly fall in love, then your best bet is to go with someone who has enough potential to turn a Horse into a Unicorn and has so much drive that he can barely sit still.
A good indicator is how he spends his days and nights and what he hopes to accomplish over the next 5 years. If he’s a goal-oriented guy who doesn’t spend a ton of time socializing, doesn’t spend more than an hour a day watching TV, but still manages to makes time for you, then you just might have yourself a winner.
Men generally hate being mistaken for wallets with legs (unless they have nothing but the money going for them). But they sure do love a Gal who falls in love with their Potential and cheers them on all the way through to the finish line.
5. Don’t let the fire die out
If you were camping out in the middle of the wild wild wilderness and had no campfire to keep out the predators, you’ll probably be waking up in a completely different campsite the following morning.
So, keep stoking that fire (with the good stuff) every single day so that your relationship doesn’t become yet another “happy meal” for a passerby Hyena.
Also, if you have any Kerosene or Fireworks nearby, it’s probably best that you bury those before getting that fire going. Otherwise, it might not be a pretty picture for you, your “Hubby Candidate” or the Hyena.
6. Stomp out the gold-diggers
Whilst you’ll rarely find a “real Man” who’s looking to make a run with your diamonds, pearls or designer shoes, you can come across the occasional “boy”, who’ll want nothing more than to let their “newfound Mommy” pay all the bills. And that’s a situation you’ll need to walk out from in a heartbeat.
I’m not talking about the guy who’s paid for every bill for the last 5 years but forgets his wallet and mustache on a random day. Or the guy that you’re married to you, who’s going through a rough patch. I’m talking specifically about the “pretty boys” that show up in your life without a wallet or any kind of financial stability and think it’s cool to “borrow” all your checkbooks and credit cards.
7. Stomp out “repetitive behaviors”
One of the greatest enemies you’ll have to fight off every hour of every day is the person…who looks back at you in the mirror.
She’s used to doing things a certain way and she’s reluctant to change her ways, no matter what. So the minute she sees you going in a whole other direction, she’ll pull you aside and try and talk you out it.
And every time that happens, you’ll need to remind her that your “mind” is now under “new Management”. And that you’re no longer going down that beaten track. If she persists (which is highly likely) you may have to get your point across by sticking a “do not disturb” sign across your forehead.
Now, if you hadn’t been in a “happy relationship” for more than 10 years or haven’t seen your Parents being absolutely crazy about one another all their lives, then it’s safe to assume that the “old way” is probably never going to work (at least on this Planet). So, you’re probably better off not spending the next 80 years trying what’s already proven to not work.
8. Do a background check
Putting your “potential life partner” through a fingerprint and lie detector test might seem a “little” over the top. And tossing his house upside down with hopes of uncovering drugs and weapons might imply untrustworthiness. Also searching his name online (especially if there’s another person with the same name who happens to be a serial killer) won’t lead to anything substantial or accurate.
So, how do you find out what kind of a person he is and determine the level of “commitment” you can expect from him?
Easy. Spend as much time around his Parents as you can, where the focus is “not” on you. So, you’re basically looking to “spy” on their “base of operation”, unsuspectingly.
If, however, the attention steers toward you or they’re not in their “natural element”, then what you’re seeing is probably not all that different to a scripted TV show. But once you do get the real inside scoop of how much “love” and “respect” his Parents still have (or don’t have) for one another, you’ll have a clearer picture of where your relationship is going.
So does that mean if the Parents look madly in love with one another when you’re around them and are at each other’s throats the minute you walk out, that you should expect the same from your Partner?
Not necessarily. If your Hubby/Hobby/Hubby wannabe has come to the realization that he had been exposed to the “wrong training” all his life and is now trying to “repair” his mind and soul in an effort to make things right (through numerous “Self-help” programs), then he could very well turn out to be a much better person. In fact, if he had been at his journey of “self-discovery” for a very long time and a good part of his study is on “healthy relationships”, then he might not even have anything in common with his Parents anymore.
The second “background check” is there to assess your Man’s “level of honesty”. This is not so that you can slap him every time he says anything even remotely untruthful. But rather to filter out the weeds from the roses right out the gate.
But before we go any further, I’m gonna tell you something that you already know. Every human being lies sooner or later. If they don’t they’ll feel left out. But not all lies are created equal.
Men lie for the same reason as Women do (for the most part). And that’s to refrain from hurting the other person’s feelings. Boys, on the other hand, lie about 99.9123% of the time because they’re convinced that the truth is “absolutely hideous”.
So, how do you know for sure? Do you go by instinct? Do you go by the amount of facial hair they have? Or do you just go by the fact that they have a very untrustworthy face?
Now, whilst Women have inherited the uncanny ability to read people and their Body Language with a great deal of accuracy and are therefore able to “just know” when someone’s being untruthful, they’re also known to get it wrong “some” of the time. But if you had the fate of other people’s lives in your hands and had the power to decide who gets strapped to the Electric chair (and who doesn’t), being wrong “some of the time” could be very unfortunate for “some of the people”.
That’s why instead of relying on just our inherent (and incomplete) skillsets, we’re gonna learn the subject of Body Language through a couple of well-reviewed books written by some of the leading experts in the field.
The two great books I am referring to are: “The Definitive Book of Body Language” by Barbara Pease and Allan Pease and “What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People” by Joe Navarro and Marvin Karlins. I personally really can’t recommend one over the other because their coverage is a little different. So, if you’re serious about mastering the subject (and stopping the execution of innocent souls that just “look guilty”), then read both books (several times over). And when you’re done, you’ll feel like you just acquired yourself one really badass “superpower” that you can utilize for the rest of your life.
9. Avoid fixing broken glass
It’s okay to nurse and care for the wounded birds and homeless kittens that just show up at your front door. But if there’s a ton of “fixing” to be done, you’re probably better off leaving them to the Bird and Kitten Paramedics.
Many Ladies fall for these “diamonds in the rough” and believe that they can somehow reform these “bad boys” into becoming law-abiding and wife abiding citizens. But this often backfires. So, these amazingly caring souls end up becoming the victims (often times “abused victims”) themselves. Or worse they start sneaking over to the dark side themselves (without even realizing it).
Now, this is not to say that you shouldn’t care for people. In fact, we should all do what we can to help those “genuinely” in need. But it might be worth staying away from the ones that rattle and hiss or have very sharp teeth.
10. Kick out the douches
One of the easiest ways of finding out a person’s truest colors (whether it’s a Man, Woman or a Rhino) is to give them the “squeeze test”. This is the equivalent of putting them under “a little bit of pressure” much like squeezing a Lemon, an Orange or a Cat’s paw.
Then all you have to do is pull up a deckchair, grab a nice smoothie and see how they “cruise” or “crumble”. That’s not to say that you should throw them into a pool full of alligators and see if they survive. But you do wanna know what to expect of them the minute they stub their toes on something.
By the way, this “squeeze test” is freakishly accurate (although not necessarily “fair”). However, whichever way it goes, it doesn’t mean that they’re stuck with those colors for the rest of their lives.
The human brain works much like a reusable water bottle, whereby you can empty its contents and fill it with the good stuff, whenever you decide to, using the power of “self-development”.
In fact, the minute you start pouring in the good stuff, the “icky stuff” that’s gotten lodged inside over the years will start spewing out.
Obviously, you won’t transform into a completely different person at the blink of an eye as Liv Moore of the TV series iZombie does. But it is doable over a “reasonable” length of time.
So, if you’re planning on doing a squeeze test on someone who has embarked on this journey of “transformation”, give them a while to grow their butterfly wings first before letting them have it.
11. Avoid messy topics
Much like Women don’t like to talk about weight, age, politics or sports, Men rarely enjoy talking about anything that is opinionated, criticism driven or any topic that makes them feel like they’re posing for a series of mugshots.
Likewise, they also hate talking about marriage, kids and poopy diapers early on in the relationship (when they still have a certain amount of free will to indulge in). And the very thought of opening up either of the “ex-files” (after having spent many of their initial dates at the “skeleton museum”) is enough to make them cranky and crinkly for days.
12. Fight the urge to take control
If you’re a CEO of a major company or have an authoritative job title (that makes people quiver every time it’s said out loud), then you know how good it feels to stay on top of things. But just as two positive magnetic fields can’t get close to one another without having a complete nervous breakdown, neither can two dominant, authoritative and masculine personalities.
In fact, it’s opposites that attract. It’s the opposites (in terms of energy, personality, height, gender, strength etc.) that creates a natural and harmonious flow (much like what you see with a waterfall, electricity, gravity, dancing, ice-skating or just about anything in existence). And the minute we try to trick Mother Nature into compliance is the minute it all breaks down.
13. Don’t tolerate abuse
Abuse and bitterness either way is usually an indication of a person’s needs not being met in the relationship.
But it’s not right and it’s not okay. And you shouldn’t say you’re gonna make it anyway.
In fact, your tolerance level for abuse should be about the same that of a Cat who’s tail had just been trod on. So feel free to go all CatFu on your abuser (if it’s physical abuse we’re talking about). Otherwise, leaving him with three broken ribs and a concussion might be a “little” extreme.
Now, whether it’s physical or verbal abuse you’re being subjected to, there’s a very easy way of putting a stop to it for good (provided that he still loves you in some “twisted kind” of way). And that’s to tell him very sternly and with a straight face “If you abuse me ever again, I will leave you for good”. And that’s it. As simple as this sounds, this “tranquilizer shot” works wonders every time.
However, if he doesn’t love you (even in the slightest), he’ll just ignore what you said and continue with the “plastic surgery treatment”. If that happens, you should ask yourself one little question: “When I have a child one day, would I want her to relive the same misery?”, because if you don’t walk out now, your “daughter/future daughter” will not only get abused by him, but she’ll most likely end up attracting a Man just like him. Or if it’s a son, he’ll most likely end up being that abuser that you so despise.
Now, the “tranquilizer treatment” mentioned earlier, is limited to one shot/attempt per relationship. If he starts slipping back to his old ways after that, then just pack your bags and catwalk out the door…in style.
14. Don’t make mountains out of molehills
Make a list of all the things you find “annoying about your partner” (right down to the very last one) and pass it over to your Cat to deal with. If the Cat dismisses the accused to be innocent (by giving you that “WTF is this?” look), just toss that list in the wastepaper basket.
Why? Because for every little thing you find annoying about your potential life partner, he will have already spotted something annoying about you (that he’s chosen not to complain about).
Instead, get into the habit of writing down something good about him every single week. Then, spend a few minutes at the beginning of each week, appreciating what you had written down. When you continuously focus on the good, you eventually draw out the good.
When you’re driving, you’re safe for as long as you keep your eyes on the road, wear a seatbelt, don’t shout at every passerby and don’t drink before or while driving. The minute you break that focus and reach for your phone to check your messages is usually around the time you start bumping into other vehicles, stoplights, trees or even possibly your ex.
Besides, if he’s already passed your 3“does he really love me” tests (from before), then does it really matter that he sleeps with his mouth wide open and causes an earthquake every time he sneezes?
No matter who you end up with, 5 years down the line, they are ALL gonna have the “same number of flaws” as the one before that (or the one before that). So, if your heart and head both tell you that “he’s the one” for the first couple of years, then that should be the judgment you should stand on…no matter how “familiar” the relationship becomes.
15. Don’t be his plan Bee
Commitment phoebes, polyamorous daters and “emotional bandage” seekers aren’t looking to settle down anytime this millennium. They’re just looking for a temporary “emotional bandage” to keep their wings buzzing until they come across to prettier flower to feast on. Or worse, they’re looking around for a replacement for “Mrs. Bee”, who’s not had any time for him after giving birth to a colony of 50,000 bees.
And if the Bee is particularly sweet (as honey), has the cutest looking stripes, has a couple of broken wings to show for his “emotional wounds” and is a real “buzz” to “bee around”, then it’s really easy to get sucked into his World.
But regardless of whether he’s genuinely looking for a replacement “Mrs. Bee” or a prettier flower to come along, it rarely leads to a happy ending. That’s because after the initial “buzz” is gone and the nectar isn’t as sweet, he’ll be off to find a different flower with a “sweeter deal”.
The “extremely unfair” advantage
So, will learning from the experts by binging on a whole bunch of “relevant” self-help material, practicing them to the letter and keeping a rabbit’s foot in your handbag, Guarantee you sweet and sexy results in all situations? Well, if the people you’re dealing with are “normal” and you don’t have any hair sticking out from the middle, then you’ll definitely have a “much better” chance of things working out in your favor.
For instance, if you learned to ride a horse from a horse riding instructor (as opposed to a driving instructor), and finally get yourself a champion racehorse to commute to work, it won’t mean that he’ll get to work on time every workday. And it doesn’t mean that he’ll refrain from taking a dump on the vehicle behind you, while you’re both waiting at a stoplight. So whilst “being in the know” definitely gives you an unfair advantage, it’ll still limited by several “external factors” beyond your control.
But, what if it was possible for you to upgrade that “unfair advantage” to an “extremely unfair advantage”, just by changing up few things in your daily routine, much like showing up for an exam with all the answers written on your arms and legs (with consent)?
What if that “upgrade” also put someone (incredibly strong and smart) in your corner, not just to cheer you on (and give you a chewing gum at the end of each round), but someone who was willing to jump in and knock a few heads, when things get a little out of hand?
And what if that upgrade also came with a special kinda GPS that was capable of guiding you through many of your “major” life decisions (as well as countless minor life decisions), so that you made “fewer mistakes”, ran fewer red lights and enjoyed life a whole lot more? Would that be an “upgrade” worth considering?
Well, the good news is it’s actually an upgrade that was hardwired into you, in your “manufacturing plant” (way up in the clouds somewhere). And all you’ve got to do (to be eligible for its many benefits) is “switch it on”.
All cell phones have a “network mode”. It tells the phone what kind of calls it’s able to make or receive. Interestingly enough we humans also have kind of a “network mode”. For most people, their network mode is set to “I’m doing fine now”, “life stinks”, “whoops I did it again” or something like that. But if you wanna “upgrade yourself” and be eligible for all the extra juicy stuff, you’ll need to switch your network setting to “Supernatural 4G”.
Now, “Supernatural 4G” is nothing more than a set of character traits that allow us to tap into our Creator’s ginormous warehouse of Supernatural and Deluxe favors (without having to break in at night). And without the need for a “religion” (believe it or not). Additionally, it has the ability to influence you, along with everyone and everything that falls within the scope of your “life journey” at the blink of an eye (now and in the future).
Another benefit of being “Supernatural 4G” enabled, is having access to the “Supernatural GPS” network, that’s there to “guide you” safely to any of your “preapproved life destinations”, as opposed to feeling your way through blindfolded and ending up thousands of miles off course (possibly in the middle of a sheep barn somewhere).
So, are we talking black magic, religion, the law of attraction, witchcraft, alcoholism, daydreaming or some kind of new drug? Actually, none of the above, although you might be able to relate the “underlying concepts” behind this “system” with some key principles mentioned (although rarely practiced) in all major religions.
In essence, “Supernatural 4G” (along with “Supernatural GPS”) are activated when our “psyches” become fully aligned with 4 character traits. If the “character traits” is not present in abundance, you won’t get a good enough signal (even if you were standing on top of a cell phone tower).
But when they are, you’ll not only have a strong connection to both the Chairman and the Board of Directors (that govern the Universe) but you’ll also have a two-way communication portal to the Founder/Chairman/CEO of the Universe himself.
And although that sounds like a very “religious” thing to say, it’s really not. That’s because this “supernatural technology” will work universally (and indiscriminately), regardless of your faith or the lack of it, much like it’s not possible to deny a Basketballer of a legal 3-pointer, on the grounds of having unusually large ears. So, you won’t need any kind of special amulet, cowgirl hat or be asked to adopt a family of Meerkats to make yourself eligible for it.
It’s nothing new either, as the character traits I’m referring to are things that all human beings practice (or ponder about practicing before falling asleep at night). Problem is, most folks practice them very sparingly…almost like they can run out at any time.
Remember the “one glass of water” per hour ritual from earlier? Water is something we all drink every day (at least when there’s no Coffee or Wine). But we don’t drink enough of it (I’m referring to Water by the way). The same can be said about fruits and vegetables. We all have em (tucked underneath a huge piece of stake or at the farthest corner of our plates). But that’s nowhere near enough.
When we up our water intake to at least “one glass” per hour and combine that with a diet consisting primarily (or solely) of fiber rich, enzyme rich and nutrition rich fruits and vegetables, we not only see a marked improvement in our health, youthfulness, energy, and vitality, but we also see a ridiculous difference in the shapes of our bodies, in as little as a few months. And we no longer have to take 10 newsmagazines to read in the Ladies room. So, everything changed, when we introduced a little “consistency” into the picture and “eliminated” all (or most) of the baddies.
And, that’s the kind of marked difference you too can experience (in a different sense) by “turning up the dial” on the 4 “character traits” that light up your “Supernatural 4G” rainbow.
This is how people who are considered black belts in the ancient arts of “Supernatural 4G” lead lives of total prosperity (in terms of their health, wealth, relationships and spirituality). Even those who had “tuned in” recently are well on their way to their Utopia.
So, without further ado, here are the 4 “mystical” character traits I’m referring to:
Know of anyone who had gotten themselves arrested for being too “nice”? Or for being irritatingly awesome? Maybe not.
But you may have heard of “nice people” getting promoted faster at work, becoming leading performers/salespeople in their fields, having far fewer health issues to deal with, having more friends than they can fit into a single calendar and being blessed with marriages that last a lifetime (and a half) etc. Yes, some Romances do continue “beyond the grave”.
These “genuinely nice, considerate and caring people” are not just shiny and giggly when things are sunny, breezy and bright. They also keep their cool and keep doing the right thing, even when their roof and two dogs get blown away by a hailstorm. And even when they have to deal with people they’d rather introduce to their pet alligators as appetizers.
They do that because they know that their Creator always comes through for them (even on Public holidays). And that he always pays them back manifold for keeping their souls as cool as cucumbers, even when their butts were blazing with fire.
Moreover, they know that the CEO of the Universe will be there for them in the blink of an eye to stop any “lethal punches” from getting through and ruining all their hair and makeup.
That’s what he did for me when he “physically held me back” from walking straight into a “big ass bus” that would have most likely turned me into a delicious banana squash (with a hint of raspberry). The Bus didn’t bat an eye because I was the one who decided to step into the crosswalk without looking both ways, whilst being plugged into an MP3 (something I don’t recommend anyone doing).
Sure. It would have been a very “musical” way to go. But had that happened, I would’ve probably missed out on sharing this story with you.
Now, the reason “why” he bothered to help me in my “Help! I’m about to get squashed” moment, was not because of my cute smile or my bewildering accent. It was simply because I had accumulated a “reasonable number of points” across all 4 criteria pertaining to the “Supernatural 4G” model (over many years).
So, I basically had enough “supernatural chips” to trade in for some serious “supernatural favor” …thankfully. And what I discovered as a result of “not dying” that day, is that these “supernatural trades” can happen, even when we’re operating on “total idiot” mode.
Reciprocity is one of those emotions that we cannot just crumple up and throw in the wastepaper basket. So, whenever someone does something nice for us, particularly when it involves the gifting of a “thoughtful present”, we instantly become bound by the law of reciprocity.
That means we can only settle the score and get the restraints removed by giving them back a present of equal value or by doing one better.
Our Creator works by a similar principle (because he runs on the same “Operating System”, but without all the bugs and viruses). However, since he has the deeds for the entire Universe (including all the Spa Resorts), he can afford to be a little more generous with us. That’s why he operates by the “law of multiplication”. We sow one tiny little apple seed in the ground. And in return, he gives us ten thousand apples (along with a few oranges, and bananas) …in as little as 2 weeks. By the way, these numbers can vary greatly…depending on the “type of fertilizer” you use.
That means, when you’re generous to anyone (or more than one) of your Creator’s 7 billion children (regardless of their race, religion or nail polish color), you too can expect a mindboggling amount of favor and abundance in return. Just as any Parent appreciates someone (with no ulterior motive) going out of their way to help his/her, Children, nothing pleases the Chairman (of the Universe) more than us going out of our way to be “generous” and “nice” to his Kids (both young and the not so young).
And since, “gifting” our Creator directly (other than through words and deeds) isn’t feasible; because he’s got it all (with thousands of spares of absolutely everything); this becomes the only viable option.
Now, the “act of giving” should be practiced on people “genuinely in need”, not on folks who use $100 bills in place of kitchen towels. So, you might wanna hold back the urge to dish out 5 bucks at the next multimillionaire you meet.
I personally like giving to orphanages and child sponsorship programs. I did start making a small monthly contribution toward a “Cancer support” organization as of lately. But that was after I was politely nudged by the “Chairman of Planet Earth” to do so.
So, why children (and not kittens, puppies and baby lemurs)? Well…I believe the children are our future. If you teach them well, they will lead the way.
Nonetheless, you should give to a charity that you wholeheartedly believe in. But it has to be a charity or a non-profit organization that supports “humans” (that are still around). And one that uses more than 80% of the contributions received for the “cause”, whilst only keeping 20% or a less for office parties, cotton candy, stationary, balloons and whatever else.
So, how much should you give? The lowest I recommend giving is 10% off your net income, every single month. I now give a little more than that. And have pledged to continue increasing my contributions (as a percentage) as my income continues to grow.
Now, the term “growth” wasn’t something that was even in my vocabulary a few years ago. In fact, the only “growth” I had experienced until then was with hair, nails, tummy, cheeks, chin, thighs, illnesses, debts and disappointments.
Even the time I started making these “regular donations” happened to be during one of these “negative growth seasons”. It was when I had lost my job. And consequently seen all the revenues from my first ever “experimental” Internet Marketing venture dry up. Let’s just say that I built this particular Business on a stack of Marshmallows and hoped that it would still be resilient enough to keep several Elephants afloat.
So given my dire situation, I pretty much needed every pretty penny I had left in the Bank (which wasn’t much), to pay my rent, debts and bills with, whilst keeping my stomach from grumbling, growling, and hissing.
And, if I somehow managed to do it all and was left with a few shiny pennies for the following month, this probably wouldn’t qualify as a “Category 5 financial hurricane”.
But wait! What about my monthly “charity contribution”?! If I also pay that, I might not even have enough money to even get through this month (let alone the next).
Is it really worth me committing to that (fully knowing that I can run out of cash anytime)? Or should I just make a list of excuses and pick the best reason to forgo this month’s contribution?
To help me decide, I opted to go through my monthly “Spreadsheet ritual”. The “spreadsheet ritual” (which doesn’t entail dancing around a campfire) is where I get a bearing of where I am financially by punching in a few numbers into an Excel Spreadsheet, starting with my current bank balance, income for the month, actual expenses for the previous month, projected expenses for the current month etc.
With each entry, the spreadsheet instantly updates the “total expense” and the “remaining balance” parts. And the second the “remaining balance” drops below a zero, it lets out a bloodcurdling yelp to let me know when to start panicking.
But since I wanted to delay all the kicking and screaming as much as possible, I decided to start out by typing in the “smaller numbers” first. And then follow that up with the “charity contribution”.
So, when the turn finally rolled around for the charity contribution, I casually entered the “donation amount” that I intended to pay. And before I could continue on with the rest, something on the spreadsheet hit me like a ton of cream cheese bagels. It was the balance, which read 777.00 at that exact point in time.
Now, what’s significant about that is… 777 happens to be my lucky number. So, if your lucky number is 888 or 3826824, then that’s most likely what you would’ve seen.
Also, the numbers I was typing weren’t all round numbers. Combine that with the fact that the balance on the spreadsheet only changed to 777.00 after I typed in the charity contribution. So, it was all a little too much to dismiss as a coincidence. In fact, I now rarely dismiss anything as a “coincidence” (unless… it really is a coincidence).
But, back then, even if you had shown me a flying kitten, I would’ve probably discounted it as nothing more than “good ambition” or “evolution”.
However, since this particular “message” was about as blunt as a bright rainbow appearing in the night sky, I decided not to forgo making the donation, despite my circumstances. And it turned out to be a darn good thing that I didn’t.
When I was down to my last few delicious gulps of oxygen (and was counting down the number of cookie crumbs I had left to survive on), I was presented with a “very nice surprise”. My former employer had suddenly decided to pay me “all the money” that was owed to me for the past few years, completely out of the blue. It wasn’t much. But it was definitely enough to keep me afloat for a while.
Now, here’s the interesting part. The money owed to me was the “underlying reason” behind my dismissal (in a roundabout kinda way). Let’s just say that I started playing “snakes and ladders” with the kingpin of the house in an attempt to either get the money owed or to work my way up to an “assistant Top Dog” position (so that I didn’t have to worry about getting underpaid anymore). Strangely enough, he wasn’t totally ecstatic about either option.
Given all that, I highly doubt that he (my former Boss) woke up one morning, finished eating his Pancakes (or Hay), grew a conscience instantaneously and just decided to pay up.
I also doubt that the money “magically appearing” in my account in my time of “dire need” (and only weeks after deciding to stay faithful to my charity contributions), to be a coincidence.
Unfortunately, my hardships didn’t stop there. But neither did the “string” of those “last minute blessings” that kept showing up time and time again. And almost every time, the blessings only showed up when I was down to my very last “cookie” (or two).
And, that’s just a “glimpse” (as Don Cheadle told Nicolas Cage in the Movie “The Family Man”) of what your Creator can do for you too when you become a faithful and regular “giver”.
Ever punched someone in the nose for not thanking you, after spending 2 hours helping them with something?
I have… many times…in my mind at least.
So, you can imagine my surprise when I see them waltzing in the door the next day, looking unperturbed and as grumpy as ever.
Now, if we as Humans feel that “peaced off” about being deprived of a simple “thank you”, then can you imagine how the CEO of the Universe feels about not being acknowledged for the gazillion things he does for us “humans” every day? In fact, if his attitude wasn’t anything but “cool and awesome” all the time, things may have turned out a “little” differently for us.
So, why don’t enough people acknowledge him? Well, some folks don’t believe that he does anything “noteworthy”, like handing them the winning lottery numbers once in a while or paying off their mortgage while they’re asleep etc.
And some others believe that everything they had accomplished thus far was all down to their constant bitterness, unwavering selfishness, relentless sarcasm, and their trusty handguns. But what they don’t see, is how “someone” behind the scenes was connecting the dots whilst nudging, poking and pinching numerous people into making things happen for them.
What I’ve come to realize is that our Creator has a really “strange way” of doing things. He rarely does things our way, much like our Parents (when we were small) not sharing the same enthusiasm about painting the walls with our favorite crayons and forbidding us from robbing any banks until we turn 95.
But despite all the outrageous rules and some of their “royal screw ups”, without them, life could’ve turned out a whole lot “poopier”.
Likewise, whilst we might not “like” the way our “Execute Producer” runs the show, especially with regards to deciding what’s good for us and what’s not.
And in how he determines the “how”, “when”, “why”, “where” and “who” of each episode in our ongoing memoir, life does become a whole lot more fulfilling, rewarding and relatively accident-free with him by our side. It’s much like driving on the freeway at 100 miles per hour with the seatbelt on as opposed to driving without it. The seatbelt might not protect us from “everything” in the event of an accident. But it can keep our teeth from flying out the window and our eyebrows from falling off abruptly.
So, does that mean our Creator/Author/Executive Producer really have a “plan” for us?
Well, you’re definitely in the Movie…somewhere. But whether you land a lead role or a support role or a support role to a support role (that makes a 2-second appearance), is entirely up to you. In fact, it’s mainly determined by the brightness of your Supernatural 4G glow.
Now, even though I had started experiencing “some” of the awesome benefits of the “Supernatural 4G” model years ago, I never realized how much I was missing out on, until I introduced a “gratitude session” into my daily routine.
It was like I had been living on candle light all my life. And then someone just showed up and flipped the light switch.
I now have 3 mini gratitude sessions (lasting around 2-4 minutes each) and a bigger gratitude session that lasts a whopping 25-40 minutes.
Now, a gratitude session doesn’t have to be anything formal. It’s just a private conversation between you and your Creator (much like a Skype Chat) but with Supernatural perks.
And, if you don’t believe that there is an “Executive Producer” behind the making of your life-story or a Creator (just as I hadn’t nearly all my life), then you can start by referring to him as Science, Oxygen, Gravity, Sunshine, the Universe or whatever “force” that you consider to be “spectacular” (and imperative for your survival).
Put him to the test, so that he can show up in your life. And when he does, serve him with every ounce of your being. Sounds fair, right?
So, everyday carve out a few minutes of your schedule to express your gratitude. It can be the first thing in the morning, the last thing at night (before hitting the play button on your “dreams playlist”) or whenever you find convenient.
And then throughout the day, keep your eyes peeled to catch him in the act…of doing good. And when he does, thank him right then and there.
By the way, if you’re somewhere public (where looking up and saying “thank you” out loud can appear a little unusual), you can just whisper it in your head. That message will then land straight in your Creator’s “Appreciation inbox”, allowing him to reminisce “your compliments” along with all his other fan mail over a Coffee Break.
Now, your gratitude/prayers don’t have to be anything formal. And they don’t have to meet a certain “criteria”. They just have to come straight from your heart. And, if you’re a religious person (regardless of the religion), you can infuse this “vital component” into your daily rituals and start seeing some really pretty fireworks.
So, after you get done thanking the Chairman/CEO of the Universe, you can ask him for your heart’s desires. But try to keep your requests as “ethical” as possible. So, if you ask him to strike down your annoying neighbor with lightning in broad daylight, then there’s a pretty good chance that he’ll hit the “spam button” on that request.
When your “gratitude” level is dialed up high, even the tiniest whisper would get your Creator’s attention (even if he was in a soundproof room listening to Keith Urban).
Now, if what you’re asking for aligns with your Creator’s “best plan for you”, then he’ll not only start lining up the resources and people necessary to bring that dream to fruition, but he may also send you some kind of acknowledgement to let you that it gets his personal stamp of approval.
This acknowledgment may come in the form of something you hear during a conversation with someone, through something you see on TV, a newspaper, a magazine, the Internet, a random flyer that shows at your door etc.
Sometimes, this “message” will even have your name signed across it in some shape or form. For instance, it might have your date of birth, initials, first name, middle name or last name mentioned on it. But whichever way the message gets communicated, if it’s meant for you, your heart will start whistling the theme song to one of your favorite TV shows and everyone around you will break into a dance. In other words, if it’s meant for you, you’ll know it without a shadow of a doubt. And then it’s only a matter of time before it does come to pass.
Now, if your prayer is super urgent (for instance, you’re busy running for your life from a Bear), then that prayer will land straight in your Creators “priority inbox” and get answered in a fraction of a second. The answer to the prayer would most likely be in the form of a seemingly “circumstantial occurrence” such as the Bear receiving a phone call from his Wife saying that he’s late for Dinner again. Or the Bear getting distracted by a cute Lady Bear that showed up out of nowhere, causing him to run straight into a tree. And if your Creator cannot align enough “circumstantial factors” together (due to the “short notice”), he’ll either send one of his Top Agents to take care of the matter or just show up himself.
Then there’s a third group of prayers that never get answered (thankfully), as they can really put a damper on your Creator’s red carpet plans for you. For instance, if you had gotten that promotion with your Employer (that would’ve paid you an extra 99cents per hour and earned you a happy meal every week), you could have missed out on the Golden opportunity of teaming up with your friend in her (soon to be very successful) Business.
These “I don’t think so” prayer responses, contribute to about 90% of all our prayer requests.
Lastly, there are the “closed doors” that we hate just as much.
They kinda remind you of the elevator doors that slammed shut right in front of your face. But later when you hear about the guy in that elevator (who had a bad shrimp) deciding to let everyone know about it (from the bottom of his gut), your disappointment suddenly turns into gratitude.
I wasn’t a huge fan of these “closed doors” either, as they can make your brain more susceptible to static electricity for a while. But after I saw the “bigger picture”, I started walking around with my jaws wide open, in awe.
For example, my separation and consequent divorce devastated me for years. But it then became the stepping stone to an incredibly fulfilling life. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful for my first marriage and I cherished every minute of it (except maybe the last few months). But I had grown as much as I could in that relationship, without taking up too much space in the house.
And the same can be said about my former Employment. I loved the people I worked with (except for my dumbass boss) and I was very popular among hundreds (possibly thousands) of people who were regular customers there.
But if it had not been for that closed door, you and I probably wouldn’t be having this (one-way) conversation.
So, the next time you see a closed door, imagine for a second what kind of goliath frogs and dragonflies could be waiting for you on the other side and walk away from it. Don’t be tempted to pry it open, unless it’s a part of your “destiny”, backed with the “Chairman’s seal of approval”.
We all have a special purpose in our lives. Maybe it’s to be a great Mom, an awesome Wife, a fabulous Businesswoman or a sensational Homemaker. Whatever that it for you, do it with your whole heart. And then… do a little bit more.
For instance, if your Kids get to see what a cool, awesome and caring Mom and Wife you are, every minute of every day, you’re not only setting them up for a fabulous and fulfilling life, but you’re also setting them up for so much more. That’s because you’ll be giving them the “emotional advantage” that may have taken you so many years to build. That’s not to say you make life easy for them either, as that can keep them stuck in the “diaper phase” for 50+ years. But it does mean, you avoid as much of the psychological trauma and drama as possible so that they grow up to be strong, confident, beautiful, fearless and resilient human beings. And as a bonus, they also get to stay clear of all the unfashionable clothing…such as straitjackets, orange jumpsuits with serial numbers and clown outfits.
Likewise, if you’re a Businesswoman (or if you’re planning on starting your own Business), it means that you equip yourself to take your Business to the next level by familiarizing yourself with the best and up-to-date Business and Marketing training material available. And then come up with a good game plan (as opposed to a very bad one) to grow your income and business.
Your growth helps you to live a happier and more prosperous life (provided it doesn’t grow your stress levels with it). This, in turn, gives you the opportunity to free up more time to spend with your family and pets and even with people you don’t particular don’t like (if you prefer).
Your growth pays more tax dollars (so that we don’t have to drive in the dark at night). And it creates job opportunities for others (unless you’re planning on juggling it all by yourself). It also means that your products or services will help a lot more people. And thereby render a greater service to the human race (even if you’re selling pet products).
So, the greater your (ethical and legal) service is to the human race, the brighter your “Supernatural 4G” scorecard becomes. And the greater your “Supernatural 4G” score, the more “Supernatural awesomeness” you get to experience in all areas of your life.
So, is it really that easy? Well…Yes. And no.
Yes, it’s easy to change a few things around and become a full-time member of the elite “Supernatural 4G community” in as little as a few days/weeks.
But it’s not easy to be nice to people you absolutely hate or give away 10% of your net income to a “charity” every single month. Or to take a few minutes every day to thank someone that’s not even listed in the yellow pages. And it’s not easy to stay the course day after day, month after month, year after year, especially when you don’t see anything happening.
In fact, you’ll rarely see anything “spectacular” happen in the first 4 years of changing direction. That’s about how long it takes for someone to earn a Bachelor’s degree in Sudoku (or a different field that you think is worthwhile).
And, that’s roughly how long this process takes too, provided that you don’t flunk any tests (or show up at the wrong classroom). If you do, it can take a little longer (or a lot longer, depending on the number of “retakes” you have to undergo).
But unlike most Bachelor’s degrees, you can’t just “stop practicing” all this good stuff, the second you walk out the College doors for the last time. That’s not much different to giving up on a health regimen or a skin regimen after attaining the desired results.
Now, if are concerned about “overdosing” on graciousness, generosity, gratitude and greatness, just try this for one year. But embark the process by taking a “before snapshot” of your circumstances in your health, relationships, wealth, and spirituality. And then after a year (of staying “faithful” to the program), take an “after snapshot” of the same criteria. If for some strange reason you haven’t seen ANY improvement in your life (in ANY area), then just go back to being “less awesome” or “frightfully ferocious and mean”.
But if you stick with the process, you’ll have an unfair advantage that 99% of the World population don’t get to enjoy (either because they let all their “disappointments” get the better of them or because they are too busy…watching TV).
By the way, when you’re closer to the “graduation phase”, you will most likely start experiencing a series of setbacks and disappointments. That’s around the time “Darth Hideous” shows up with all his “Stoned Troopers” to try and prevent you from taking the throne. He’ll be snoozing away up until then because he assumes that you’re one of the 99% who gives up 2 feet away from the finish line…because of a sneezing fit or something.
But you, Princess Leia, will have to overcome that final battle, with the backing of the Supernatural Army that’s right there with you every step of the way. Sure, you might experience a few chipped nails and a few of bruises here and there. But it won’t anything that your Creator won’t be able to “repair” and “replenish” in no time.
Keep in mind that in the battle of “Darth Hideous vs the Emperor of the Universe”, the Emperor always win. Err…just so that there’s no confusion…you’re actually on the Emperor’s side.
These “battles” will continue showing up time and time again, whenever you’re close to a “major breakthrough”. And that’s exactly where you will have to bring all your faith (and several packs of M&Ms to the table) and stay the course no matter what. When the odds are against you, just hand over the battle to the “Supernatural army” and continue being just as awesome as you always are. They will fight your battle for you, while you’re checking out your Twitter feed.
So continue doing the right thing, no matter what…because the reward always follows. And don’t worry or have regrets over the “slip ups”. In fact, if you’re the kind of person who never slips up and never makes mistakes, then there’s probably something “seriously” wrong with you. And you should be on the phone talking to your Doctor about that, right about now.
Now, that’s not an excuse to “continue doing the same mistakes” over and over again. When you do make a mistake, you should identify it and correct it right then and there. And ask your friends to hold you accountable. Or use a “correction jar” whereby you put $10 in the jar (as a charity contribution) every time the “mistake” gets repeated.
A penalty or an injury never gets a player thrown out the court…and even if they do (for doing something outrageous… like wearing their uniform backward) …then there’s always the next game…and the next season.
So, keep on striving and keep on fighting (whilst keeping that gun cabinet locked up).
And when the smoke clears, who knows? You might be standing next to the Man of your dreams with a bouquet of flowers in your hand and be wearing the most beautiful wedding dress you can ever imagine.